Remember that really optimistic post from the other day? Yeah, well that has all changed.

If there's one thing you can count on with a cancer diagnosis is that nothing is set in stone. Appointments pushed, information expected at an appointment not able to be shared, more testing needed, results that take longer to come back than normal, and the list goes on. My surgery date is about the only thing during this journey that happened the way we expected it to. 

My hopes to get the drains out this week have dwindled. The drainage levels haven't met requirements so it's looking like I'll potentially (key word) get them out at my follow up appointments on July 14. That's 20 days after my surgery. The literature says on average they can be taken out in 7-10 days. This has been very discouraging and pushed back my recovery timeline.

I also learned that although I'll still have my surgery follow up meetings next week, I won't be able to meet with my oncologist about any needed cancer treatment the following day as planned because it will be another 2 weeks before my oncotype test will be back. This test is key because its results will determine if I'll need chemotherapy or not. Meeting without knowing those results won't have value.

And in other super fun news: They found a spot on my liver that I get to have an MRI for! Health insurance still hasn't processed our claims so we have no idea if we'll owe $100 or $10,000. I have sharp pains in my arms and chest anytime I want to do literally anything - from getting out of a chair and taking the lid off a water bottle to getting dressed by myself and going to the restroom.

My motto all along is to see the positive side of things, and that's what I've presented to the world thus far. But this is a glimpse into the tough side. The constant fluctuations of unknowns. The realization that as much as I will my body to get better, expect prompt closure on diagnosis and treatment, or confirmation of what's truly next, is, in most cases, completely out of my control.

I'm approaching the two week mark since I had my bilateral mastectomy. The recovery process has had its difficulties but, overall, is less taxing than I expected.

My daily routine is wake up, take my meds, empty my drains, sit still in our recliner, walk a little, take my meds, empty my drains, and go to bed in the recliner. Joel goes back to work this week so I'll have to do some of these steps on my own. I'll miss having him here for constant support and care! He's incredible.

My family and friends pick up where Joel leaves off. I've been so lucky to have many visitors to break up the long days. They often come bearing food and gift baskets. Other times its an offer to help around the house or a comedic performance (thanks to my nieces and nephews). An example of this is when my best friend visited and folded ALL of our laundry that we were very behind on! That's love. And I love her.

I'm happy to report that I'm needing less of everything every day - assistance, pain meds, etc. Swelling is going down, I still have some discomfort in my breasts, and can feel the expanders. The latter was surprising. There are certain areas I can press down on and it feels like pushing in on an empty water bottle.

My drain levels are getting lower and I hope to get them out this week. Fingers and toes crossed! They are not painful, just appendages that have to be considered when doing anything - moving, getting dressed, etc. If you don't know much about drains, they help me heal properly by removing excess fluid that can cause pain, swelling, and other issues. The bulbs create suction that pull the fluid out of my body via tubes that are inside my body near the surgical site, held in place with sutures. ​Below is what they look like.

I'm anxious for my follow up with the Surgical Oncologist and Plastic Surgeon on July 14. That will be the day I find out if I'll need further cancer treatment - radiation and/or chemotherapy.

I got a preview of my pathology report via MyChart and it looks like they found two additional tumors in my left breast (the breast that already had two known tumors, prompting the surgery) and my right breast had several abnormal items that were unexpected. I'm not a doctor, so I could be wrong, but this is what I think the report presented. It gives me no better idea about whether or not more treatment will be needed, so I need to have patience until the professionals cover it with me.

These are a few of my Favorite Things...
Joel, my family and friends did an amazing job gathering all of the supplies I'd need before and after my surgery. Here are just a few of the items I've used daily, there will be more to come!

Post Mastectomy Pillow

I use this almost every second of every day! It is first and foremost a shield from the dogs jumping on my chest. The pillows on the side help prevent rubbing in my underarms, specifically the side that had lymph nodes removed. It's a necessary item to have in the car as a barrier between me and the seatbelt. I wore it in the car post surgery and couldn't have survived the trip without it. The pockets allow me to hold my phone, the remotes, etc. so I can follow the instruction to do everything with t-rex arms!

Because I'm sleeping in the recliner each night while I have my drains in, this neck pillow has become a requirement for good sleep! I use it whenever I'm resting and wore it on the way home in the car post surgery so I could sleep, because I could barely keep my eyes open that day!

I've never been a sleep mask girl but I am now! Again, sleeping in the recliner means being in a living room that gets super bright, super early. I can live in denial that a new day has come for an hour or two.

I preferred not to take full showers for a bit post surgery. I took one a couple of days after but it was a little too nerve wracking for me. I preferred wet wipes (below) and these shampoo caps. It's really a remarkable item that made my hair feel fresh and clean.  You just put on a cap, "lather" as you would in the shower, and take it off. Your hair gets just as wet as if you showered, without having to go through the whole process.

In addition to the shampoo caps, I use these washcloths to clean up. For face and body, these have been convenient and a great way to freshen up in lieu of a shower. They are gentle, do not irritate my skin, and the scent is very nice, not a "chemical" smell like you'd get from a regular wet wipe. They're large in size, so are easy to use and one cloth can cover a lot of ground!

Hooray for breast cancer being out of my body!
On Tuesday, June 24, 2025, I underwent a successful skin sparing, bilateral (double) mastectomy (removal of breast tissue, nipples) to extract two cancerous tumors (stage 1 invasive ductal carcinoma) and related lymph nodes on my left side, with expander insertion to prepare my breasts for later reconstruction. Here's a little recap of how it went.

I had an appointment the day before, on June 23, with Nuclear Medicine so they could inject "radioactive tracers" into my left breast. The tracers let the surgeons know which lymph nodes are the first ones cancer cells are likely to spread to from the breast tumors. Mine ended up being in my armpit.

The appointment was very quick, so we snuck in a move at Coral Ridge Mall. Highly recommend Elio!

We then headed to the hotel to settle in for the night. Our room number was "511" - the same street number as our home address. I took that as a positive sign! After a visit with my parents, we hit the pool for my last swim in a while, and then my sister came to our room to braid my hair for surgery. I slept well surrounded by my stuffies, a mix of mine and ones given to me by family and friends. My nerves were rooted in excitement to get this part of the journey rolling.

Check-in time for surgery was 6:30 a.m. for an 8:30 a.m. start. We arrived on time and almost immediately taken back to the pre-op room. I was one of the first cases of the day since my procedure would run from 8-10 hours. The pre-op team was excellent and made me feel at ease about what was going to happen. Part of the process was drawing five vials of blood for the research I agreed to through the university. I was given high compliments on my good veins and ability to pump blood out quickly! (LOL, something to be proud of I suppose.)

From there I hit the operating room and that's a big blank space for the next 10 hours! I was talking to my Anesthesiologist about keeping rabbits out of my garden and then all of a sudden I was being rolled into my room from post-op recovery.

The doctors told my support crew that everything was "textbook" and went as well as it could have. I responded well to everything that was done and they were able to successfully complete everything that was planned. Also, my lymph nodes were clear (the best news) so no further surgical procedures were required in that area.

​Joel made sure there was a Mountain Dew waiting for me when I got out, my special request before going in. I hung out with Joel, my parents, sister, and best friend for a bit, and my sister helped get my dinner ordered. We were all relieved and happy to be together celebrating that all went well.

To top the day off, there was a Harry Potter marathon on for me to fall asleep (and wake up in the middle of the night) to!

I spent just one night in the hospital. All looked good regarding the state of my health and response to the surgery, so I was able to go home in the morning. The only medical residuals I had to take home with me were plastic wraps and a compression bra around my breasts, and an external drain for each breast dangling from a drain belt.

After a final visit from my family, breakfast, and a little bout of nausea, we were loading up the car and heading home. I slept from the moment I was strapped into the car through to the next day!

Since returning home, all has gone quite well. Joel has taken on the role of nurse, chef, dog sitter, family/friend updater, head gardener, and so much more. Luckily, he was able to take a couple of weeks off to be by my side. He manages the meds I have to take throughout the day and empties my drains morning and night, along with feeding, bathing, and dressing me. I couldn't do this without him! Get yourself a Joel if you can. But you can't have mine.

We've been able to manage my pain, which didn't start getting "bad" until about day 4 or 5 when my nerves began to recalibrate and come alive again. It's wonderful to experience feeling coming back to my breasts, so the "pain" is worth it. I can't complain too much though, what I'm feeling is tolerable and certainly better than I thought it would be.

The thing that I haven't been able to manage is staying still! I felt good to go almost immediately after the anesthesia fuzziness and tiredness wore off. I paid the price for not following my "move like a t-rex" instructions from the Plastic Surgeon, so I learned my first lesson quickly. I am now as still as possible (which isn't good enough, but the best I can do).

I'm spending my days in a recliner reading, doing puzzles, coloring, and napping. We've had visitors every day which has helped break up the long hours of sitting. Many have brought us food to enjoy so Joel doesn't need to cook and items to keep me occupied in the vast downtime. We feel surrounded by love and support. That is so vital to moving forward with bravery and strength. I know if I were to stumble or fall, we have a network of loved ones to catch us. Thanks to all of you reading this who are one of those people.

Seeing the Full Picture
Square websites don't offer "graphic content" warnings that allow a person to choose if they view an image or not. I was going to share a real time picture of what my breasts look like in order to better educate people about what this process entails and what to expect post-surgery. But I don't want to shock anyone without their consent!

​I have no reservations sharing these types of images because, although graphic, they may help others facing this same type of surgery get a fuller picture of what to expect from a real person they can interact with. I'm happy to share more "down and dirty" details with anyone who wants or needs them. Leave a comment or reach out to me via my site's contact page!

June 10th marked two weeks until my bilateral (double) mastectomy. When I had that realization things started to feel real. I’ve been talking about it for months, it felt so far away. But it’s not far away anymore. I don’t know what emotions are presenting themselves at any given moment. I think it’s a bit of a tornado of all of them all at once:

• I feel confident about my health (outside of the cancer) and ability to recover. 
• I feel scared of the unknowns and how much pain I’ll be in afterwards. 
• I feel confident in my medical team and facilities.  
• I feel scared something unexpected will happen that is out of anyone’s control. 
• I feel supported by my health insurance company for what they can cover. 
• I feel scared my health insurance won’t cover everything. 
• I feel supported by my incredible husband, family and friends. 
• I feel scared about being away from work for up to a month. 

I’m able to push through the waves of emotion by leaning on my natural default in turbulent situations: “business-mode.” Another part of my being takes over and I love her very much. She absorbs information, rationalizes and accepts the reality of it, educates herself, asks the right questions, and processes the answers to make sound decisions. She’s served me well so far. But no matter how much research, or leg work, or preparation she can muster, at the end of the day, after all the decisions have been made, every remaining detail is out of her control. Out of my control.  

I’ve done my best to remind myself to “give in” to the fact that I won’t have control over much in the coming weeks. Working what’s to come isn’t going to be of benefit to me. Letting thoughts and feelings flow in and out has been the best approach. When I’m mad, I allow it. When I feel like crying, I allow it. When I’m afraid, I allow it. The same applies to the positive parts of all this, which has been more present than bad – the sweetest surprise. When I’m loved on, I allow it. When help is offered, I allow it. When support is expressed, I allow it. No holding on to any one thought or feelings, just clouds floating by. 

As I mentioned, I feel confident about who is caring for me, which is the most important part at this point in the journey. University of Iowa Health Care has been a fitting medical home for me. I’m constantly impressed by their efficiency and follow up. They also really care. I have left every appointment feeling better than they found me. 

The past few weeks have included pre-surgical visits with my surgical oncologist, plastic surgeon, and oncology psychiatrist. I have a CT scan next week along with another visit with behavioral oncology and first visit with the oncology dietician. There is a wide range of support services available, and I’ve been asking to be referred to as many as I have time for.  

At this moment, my care plan is to have a bilateral (double) mastectomy with “expanders” inserted. Expanders help preserve the shape of the breast as I heal, give my immune system a break from fighting cancer, and prepare for reconstruction. Later in the year (if my blood vessels qualify – fingers and toes crossed) I’ll have DIEP (Deep Inferior Epigastric Perforator) flap breast reconstruction. It uses tummy tissue to rebuild the breasts. I chose this route because it is a “forever” procedure. Implants require monitoring and replacement in 10-15 years. The whole reason for choosing to have a bilateral mastectomy vs. a unilateral mastectomy was to have no ongoing maintenance – monitoring, biopsies, hopefully no cancer treatment, etc. So, although there will be a bit more to the DIEP surgery, in the long run, it’s the best choice for me. A big investment up front for, best case scenario, a long-term solution to remain breast cancer-free for the rest of my days! 

I look forward to sharing more leading up to and after my surgery. Thanks to those of you who are following along, your care, concern, and support means so much! 

Things I’ve Learned and Recommend… 
I believe being your own advocate is the best thing you can do for yourself when faced with a medical challenge. For me, being an advocate for myself took the shape of research, building out a narrowed list of what type of care or treatment I thought was best for me, and visualizing myself receiving the care or treatment to ensure it felt right and would fit my lifestyle. I took the medical knowledge, a list of pros and cons of treatment options, and open questions to each doctor. I ran through everything with them to ensure I was basing my decisions on sound facts and outcomes, asking if they had any specific recommendations based on what they knew about me, and then took both what I gathered and their professional feedback home with me for consideration.  

There is no rush (unless, of course, the surgery or treatment is urgent) to make a call on the spot, especially if you are a “processer” like me. You must live with the decisions you make, not your health care team. Walking into appointments with a baseline understanding of what would be happening, questions, and preliminary ideas of what treatment plan I wanted to follow was extremely empowering. It allowed me to be fully present and listen to my doctors without being overwhelmed with a bunch of new information and being unprepared when asked what I’d like to do. Appointments were efficient and effective because we were able to get right into creating a plan unique to me. 

I make this sound like it was easy, but many times I had to coerce myself into looking what was coming straight in the eye. Opening the comprehensive breast cancer guide was hard, but every time I got into it, I closed the book feeling better off for being brave enough to face the facts and reassured that whatever choice I made was OK as long as it sat right with me. 

In Gratitude...
Thank you to EVERYONE who has reached out or shared well wishes for me with Joel. I don’t feel worthy of the love I’ve received, but it has made this whole situation a lot easier to deal with, knowing that if I/we were to need ANYTHING, we have a whole network of family and friends to rely on. 

In the coming weeks, I hope to feel up to sharing more of what it's like to navigate a breast cancer diagnosis and treatment - the good, bad, and ugly. Including good ways to support someone going through a serious illness. The thoughtfulness extended to me thus far has been humbling and given me many ideas on how I can better be there for others. 

We welcomed a new little one to our family. I'm pleased to introduce our female Yorkshire Terrier, Lady Bird "Birdie" Sires! She's just a few months old (born November 30, 2021) and a typical puppy - CrAzY!

She came to us at around 2 pounds and is now almost 3.5 pounds, just to help you picture how small she is right now. But that shouldn't fool you. She is BOLD and fearless (most times, too much of both). She is a mouse, shark, flying squirrel, monkey all wrapped together in a sassy bow. She definitely has a big personality. Birdie joins her brother, Homer, our 5-year-old Australian Terrier, and a sister, Madison, our 15-year-old German Shepherd. For the most part, they like each other. It's taken some time for them to warm up to a puppy that is in their faces every chance she gets. She loves them both very much.

Behavior-wise - she's really good, aside from wanting to chew everything with her sharp fangs. "Ouch," is said in this household multiple times per day. She is picking up on potty-training pretty well, along with some other basic commands. Playing fetch is her favorite. We have taken her on long outdoor walks, and she sticks close and listens, which is great. We want her to be a good traveler and hiker like her big brother. She's also been really good with others, including dogs.

Other than that, we're ecstatic, frustrated, full of love, and annoyed. There are daily highs and lows. But that little face...and body...and bark...so. cute. In the end, a puppy has been worth it for us.

Puppy Purchasing Thoughts
I wanted to be honest about the entire process, because it wasn't all smooth sailing. I am an "adopt, don't shop" person...but we shopped. We specifically wanted a Yorkie and after following up on available Yorkie adoptions time after time with no luck for a few years, we started to consider going through a breeder. Why not wait longer? Well, we wanted whichever dog we got to be able to live with Madison before she passes away, and we don't feel like there's much more time left there.

Knowing that not all breeders are created equal, we chose to go through Petland in Iowa City. They were very nice, had lots of good reviews online, and connections to breeders of so many different types of dogs - including Yorkies. After our first visit, they found a Yorkie for us. If I could do it all over again, I would not go through Petland.

First, their prices are outrageous (like seriously, insane - I'm ashamed of what we paid) - but they don't drop the price bomb on you until AFTER you've met the dog and it is obvious, you're not leaving without it. You've got the new puppy glow (aka sucker face). And the cost doesn't include immunizations, getting spayed, etc. - that's on top of the purchase price. But ultimately, I thought, someone had to buy her, and if anyone was going to buy her, it was going to be us. I felt connected to her right away and just couldn't bear thinking about her going to another family.

Second, things seemed off from the start when I picked her up. She kept throwing up, and everyone insisted it was because she was so nervous and that is common with all small breeds like her. I questioned that then and still now, but it's whatever. That should have been a huge red flag, but we'd already put down a deposit. There I was with this little sick puppy, in too deep to turn back at that point.

Third, in our opinion, we believe they took Birdie from the breeder too young (which could have contributed to the issue above). We got her at eight weeks, which we knew felt wrong, but that's what it was. She had a rough first few days with us, bleeding from her hind end (which Petland told us was normal - but it is NOT at all normal). The angels at Pawsitive Pet Care were mortified by the whole situation. They wanted to know everything, including the name of the breeder she came from so they could look into them. They treated her and sent her home with an antibiotic that helped immediately. When we go in for her shots, everyone remembers her as "that dog" that came in frighteningly sick. They're so happy to see her healthy and happy - truly the best team if you're looking for a vet.

Moral of the puppy buying story - if you shop, research breeders on your own, work directly with them, make sure the puppies are not taken from their families too soon, and even if your brain is exploding with endorphins, be realistic about what you want to and can spend. Also - just say "No" to Petland. I think of them as a sleazy group of people that fall in the same group as used car salespeople - they're in it for the money, no matter if they have to stretch the truth or do questionable things to make a sale.

But in the end - we have Birdie - and that's all that matters! She's with a family who could nurse her back to health and give her a safe and loving home. Here's another pic of our girl. If you want to see more, you can follow her on Instagram @birdiesires. Yep, I'm that dog mom...LOL!

Written By: Yung Pueblo

Love is interrupted by the pain we carry. It is easy to blame love itself for the hurt we feel, but all love does is open us up; the hurt itself comes from the heavy conditioning and ill-fated patterns that stop us from showing up in a compassionate manner. A person can be in love and also unprepared to care for that love. One can feel love for another, but also have a variety of attachments that block their appreciation for the amazing connection that is right in front of them. Attachments, our craving to have things exist in a very particular way, are the rocks that clog up the mighty flow of love. Our attachments are often molded by the hurt we have felt in the past. In this sense, attachments represent our inflexibility.

Love itself has many synonyms: mental clarity, compassion, selflessness, flexibility, acceptance and understanding. Love is so powerful because it is simultaneously hardy and elastic, it takes on the form it needs to bind people together in a wholesome and nourishing manner. But human beings are complex, and we carry the baggage of survivalist tendencies that we gathered during tough times. Love is freedom while attachment is control, all human beings walk in as a mixture of both when they enter into relationships.

What makes relationships work, even when we ourselves are so imperfect, is self-awareness. To be able to see inside of yourself, to pay close enough attention to your mental movements that unconscious tendencies slowly become clear, is an act of love for yourself and for those around you. When you can see if you are being motivated by love or by attachment, you reclaim your power from habitual reactions and start utilizing your intention to bring more harmony into your responses. It takes self-awareness to choose love.

Love itself invites healing. It creates a path for two people to not only blossom in self-awareness but to develop their emotional maturity. Love is a powerful light, if you are immersed in it and ready to grow, it will show you more of yourself. Love is not just for your soothing; it is an engine of evolution. The effort you use to remove the reigns of the past from your mind so that you can arrive to the present as an unburdened human being is an act of love.

The greatest gift partners can give each other is a continuous commitment to their own personal healing. The love you are able to give to yourself and your partner is determined by your self-awareness. If your self-awareness is growing, you will have a greater capacity for intentional actions that are authentic. If you both find methods to help you unload the past that you carry, you will find your minds lighter and there will be more space for you to deepen your connection. Love is a dynamic force, if you are both able to loosen your attachments, it will help you flow together with greater ease.
​
The uncomfortable truth is that many who have never ventured into healing will struggle to love well. Those who do take their healing seriously have a greater chance at figuring out healthy ways of supporting each other’s happiness. To build the type of home where both of you feel the spaciousness of freedom and the comforting support of the voluntary commitments you have made to each other is a goal worth pursuing.

Oh, hey! It has been a minute. I’ve been busy pivoting.

The past few months have been a wild ride to say the least. I have experienced the lowest of lows and the highest of highs. I wallowed in some really dark, painful places, hoping there was a reason for all of it.

I know COVID had a lot to do with it. Although COVID was and is such a devastating thing to be living through, the slower pace, and the way that changed pace affected so many parts of our lives, was eye opening for me. It became clear fairly quickly how much the career I pursued impacted so many facets of my life – taking up a lot of emotional and mental space, as well as seeping into my free time and relationships. With a full year or more of reduced outreach and event commitments, the thought of going back to how things were (going to 40+ events on top of my regular duties) was panic attack inducing. I didn’t think I could do it anymore after 15+ years in this field.

The more the world opened up, the heavier my chest felt. I knew what was coming and honestly could not deal. I could feel my mental health taking a dive and called my mental health provider. I was in tears with her the first two calls as we talked through what medication changes we could make. On the third medication pivot, I could at least function enough to act professional at work (without biting at people, crying in my office, etc.). If you know me, this behavior is not me, so this was another glaring red flag.

I also faced the fact that for most of the years I had been in my profession, I ended up miserable – crashing and burning. Then I hopped into the same role somewhere else out of desperation to escape, only to meet the same demise. I’ve switched jobs more than I’d like to admit. It is something I am ashamed about, but, working with many different places made me better all around, strengthening my skills and network, and gave me confidence at my last job to execute an entire program/plan on my own with complete ease. I honestly considered myself an “expert” when I left.
This cycle was really the definition of insanity – doing the same thing over and over, each time expecting a different result. I HATE being in that position. I am solution oriented when I see this happening in my life, and it was time to do something about my job. The true wakeup call came when I was becoming physically ill, calling into work, something I don’t do. A pivot was calling (and necessary).

Side Note: This is actually a thing in 2021. They are calling it the “Great Resignation” according to The New Yorker: Why are so many knowledge workers quitting? Super fascinating.

So much of our life was up in the air during the time I was struggling most and preventing me from making a change. Certain things needed to fall into place before either Joel or I could move forward and go after what we wanted. Joel being down for eight weeks due to ankle surgery didn’t help things…but he feels better and we are so thankful that we have access to good health insurance. That’s all that matters there.

Then all of a sudden, things started falling into place very organically. I don’t know that we’ve experienced such fortune at one time before. We’re extremely grateful for it and do not take it for granted.

The job I applied for and was most interested in got back to me and chose to hire me very quickly. I now work from home for a business based in Oregon. I have the best boss and coworkers, we clicked immediately. The position is in a field I’ve been interested in for a very long time that will allow me to get where I want to go by allowing me to essentially be educated on the job. Joel got a full time position with benefits, which was necessary because mine did not offer health insurance.

Due to the medication and job pivots, I am a different person. I often tell Joel, “This must be what it feels like to be normal.” I needed more and different medication than I had been taking. I needed to reevaluate my work and find a job that was better suited for me. These two things combined have changed my life in big ways and I’ll be forever appreciative.

What parts of your life could use a pivot? It’s worth taking the time to face the facts in front of you. Going through tough periods to get you where you want to be are so hard, but worth it (I say this from the other side of one). You deserve to be happy. Find paths that help you get to that place. It may be messy, but if your choices prevail, the work it takes to get there is priceless.

Here is me in my home office with my co-workers!

I recently watched a television show that I’m a fan of that follows the (fictional) lives of three young women. I enjoy the show because it doesn’t follow the typical storyline. The show is diverse, inclusive, progressive, and is not afraid to dive into very vulnerable, sensitive, real life topics. Like the decision to have a child. Or not to have a child. The latest episode that featured the latter is what spurred this post.

This particular episode moved me and I felt extremely understood. Definitely less alone. Later, when a snippet of the show containing the moment one of the characters tells her husband she does not want to have children was posted to social media, I was interested in the comments that followed. Most people wondered why the character and her husband hadn’t talked in depth about kids before they got married. The commenters’ viewpoints were valid and true to their beliefs and experiences. Of course, that is probably the “ideal” order of things for most people. But being a person who completely related to the character and the events that unfolded, I saw the situation very differently and wished I could have responded to everyone that choosing not to have children isn’t always a cut and dry decision for everyone.

I was raised with this saying on repeat:

“First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes baby in a baby carriage.”

So many of us heard this, recited this, believed this. Especially as the words became real and we watched it happen to the people around us as we grew up. This order of events starts to feel like a given. A truth. The roadmap to becoming an adult and creating a family when you are younger. At least for me it was.

Joel and I honestly did not talk a lot about the things you’re supposed to talk about before getting married. We are very much a day-by-day couple. We were in love, we were creating a life we were happy in together, and that’s all that mattered before and after we tied the knot. I think both of us assumed that kids would become part of our story. Until they didn’t.

I thought I’d eventually get a feeling. A desire to have a child. It never came. Our nephews and nieces came along. I thought, “holding them will give me ‘that feeling.’” I instantly loved them each beyond words, and am in awe of their mothers, but I still didn’t want one of my own. I would take prenatal vitamins and buy baby books and start baby Pinterest boards and talk to my family about having a baby. Not once did it feel authentic. Not once. I felt like I was doing and saying things just because I was supposed to. I almost felt like a robot spewing off words that I was programmed to say.

When I began to honor my gut instincts is when things got really hard. Even though Joel and I hadn’t talked about it, so didn’t have any concrete plans about having a baby, the thing that weighed the most on me was letting him down. Because he is an AMAZING man who would make an AMAZING father. When I finally came to terms with how I felt and was confident kids weren’t in the cards for me, for us, I slowly started to let him know where I was at. I don’t think we’ve ever had more difficult conversations. Most ended with me saying, “I completely understand if this is a deal breaker for you. It’s just something I can’t compromise on.” I wanted him to be fulfilled and happy, because he truly deserves that. I didn’t want him to resent me for the rest of our life together.

I had to understand and accept that in making this decision for myself, the results could be devastating to my marriage. That is the honest truth. That’s when I knew that what I was feeling was what I really wanted. I was willing to risk the greatest love I’ve ever had over it.

Fortunately, we navigated our way through and came out on the other side still together, happier with each passing year. I’m beyond lucky to have a partner who loves me in a transcendent way. He was willing to sacrifice any desires he had to have a child to stay in the life the two of us were only beginning to build together.

The reasoning behind my choice is obviously multi-faceted. There is no one reason. The lack of interest in the entire thought of parenthood being the biggest. Along with not wanting to pass down inherited and genetic mental health issues and trauma coming in close second.

I must admit, it’s a strange thing to be a childless woman. Especially a woman who is physically able to have children, but chooses not to. I think it is really hard for a lot of people to understand, and that’s OK. Reactions from others vary. At the end of the day, this decision is one I know I made the right call on. I’m proud of myself for diving deep, facing the uncomfortable, and discovering what I truly wanted, as hard as it was to face.

Life, and marriage specifically, has no roadmap. There are most definitely “ideal” ideas of how things should go, but most times, they don’t go that way. We can’t cast stones at other peoples’ experience. We always need to remember we are all on different paths, going at our own pace, making the best decisions for ourselves as we can.

I wanted to write about this topic, as difficult as it was, so other women having the same thoughts and experiences feel less alone, like the show I watched did for me. I also want young women to know there is another track they can take if they don’t feel that children are something they want. That feelings of not wanting to be a mother are just as natural and important as wanting to be a mother – even if it doesn’t appear that way.

If you choose not to have a child, you are not selfish. You are not lesser than. You are strong, and you are enough. Be brave, own your decision, and share your truth with others. Most importantly, know you can still live a happy and fulfilling life without children. I'm living proof.

Big hugs to all.

As I recently shared on my “Wren’s Pick” page, I’ve become a (late to the bandwagon) “disciple” of Brené Brown. There’s a reason she is a staple in the personal growth space. She knows her shit.

Finding the right person (or people if you are lucky) whose goal is to lead you through a self-help journey isn’t easy. I’ve read so many personal growth books by so many different authors, and although I have gained valuable insight, rarely was any of that insight powerful enough for me to feel deep in my soul. I maybe made it through a third of each book. Brené’s work has penetrated my heart and mind in a way that makes positive change actually feel attainable.

I am currently reading her book “Daring Greatly.” She has many books, so I looked at some recommendation lists online to find out which one would be best for me to start with. The list was right. I’m only halfway through, but man, I felt a shift happen within the first few pages. What really got me, and made me know I was on the right path, was that the book title is actually inspired by a speech given by one of my heroes – Theodore Roosevelt! I’m trying to read chapter by chapter so I can allow time for my brain to process and internalize what I’m reading, which is actually hard to do because this is the first self-help book I have ever read that I wanted to continue reading – it’s a page turner.

If you don’t already know, Brené is a shame researcher. Her big focuses are shining light on shame and vulnerability. Which really boils down to doing the hard work of being unapologetically ourselves – because when we can do that – everyone around us is better for it. This journey isn’t easy, especially if you hate being vulnerable – Brené admits she does, and so do I. I’m not even going to try to get into the specifics of her work or guidance – that’s what her book is for. But I will share some of the ways her work has impacted me so far.

Before I begin, I do need to say that yes, I am only halfway through “Daring Greatly” – but I’ve also been taking Brené’s teachings in through her podcast and Netflix special. So in actuality, I’ve heard a wide range of her messages over the past few months. Not that I have to justify myself to continue – but look what I did there. I think I just want to state I’m not an expert on Brené’s work – but I’ve absorbed enough of it to have made fundamental changes in a short amount of time because of it.

The word vulnerability means many things to me as I continue learning about it. Brené says that vulnerability is essentially the same thing as courage – which I agree with one hundred percent. It’s scary for some of us to be vulnerable, so when we take a chance and open up – that’s courage. Truly, we can’t be one without the other. No matter the order they take place in. This is an important connection to make. What vulnerability is NOT is weakness. Have we been taught that it is our entire lives? Most likely. Do we have to continue following this inherited perception of vulnerability? No. We don’t.

Being courageous when it comes to taking up space *authentically* in this world is one primary thing I am working on right now. So many of the conversations and connections I have are based on what I think others want to hear – or – build me up in ways that I think would impress them. Look how smart I am. Look how good I am. All this is really doing is building walls. Even though what I am saying is most likely true and is never, ever meant to make another feel “less than” – it’s the way I deliver it that is the problem. Filtered through lenses of perfection. Which probably doesn’t make people feel connected to me. It makes them intimidated of me. I know this for a fact because I have been told SO MANY times that I am intimidating. Now I know why.

The other piece of this is my anxiety. It’s hard to be yourself when there’s a constant voice in your head overanalyzing your every action. “You’re losing them – tell them something they want to hear.” “You’re boring – it’s too quiet – say something entertaining.” “Remember, you think they think lesser of you because you let them down – tell them what a kind, martyr you are while handing them a casserole.” “You’re nothing if you aren’t putting everyone else around you first – perfectly – not missing a single detail.” “Don’t do that annoying thing you do – you’re so dumb!”

Yeah – as I continue to practice true vulnerability – these voices aren’t something I will miss. When I do hear them, I tell them to shut up. If I can’t be accepted for who I am as I am, then I’m probably hanging with the wrong crowd. It’s none of my business what others think of me. Especially when I remind myself that a lot of what I may be judged on ties back to long-standing, out-of-date, impossible, blanket expectations about what a woman “should be, should do, etc.” Those words can honestly kiss my ass at this point. Thinking about what I “should be/do” has exhausted me my entire life.

In trying to show up more vulnerably (right now, for me this means without every detail planned and talking points thought through, carrying the ability to laugh at myself, and the willingness to share more of myself) I have most certainly felt lighter. It has been nice to be present. And more importantly, able to walk away from an interaction thinking I was “too much” or "not enough" – or stupid or lame or awkward – the list goes on. I feel more like the person I know I can be.

Let me share a few examples of how I’ve recognized change within myself recently.

• Story 1: I am “the voice” on the phone for our clinic. Periodically, we have to re-record with the interpreters to make sure everything is up-to-date. This entails us all in a room, passing the phone around, hoping we’re not the one who messes up. Well, along with a couple of others, I messed up in front of a group of people. In the past, I would have stood there and made excuses for why I messed up, probably shut down, and most definitely stewed over it for a day at least. Telling myself how stupid I was. For messing up one line, one time. Instead, we all had a good laugh over it and I left 1) feeling closer with the people in the room and 2) without thinking about it again – until I told Joel about it – he was so proud of me!
• Story 2: We are going through some tough job things right now – uncertainty lies ahead. This was really weighing on Joel. Instead of shutting down when I saw his stress, anger, and frustration, I gravitated towards him. I was able to hold space for him and what he was feeling and just be there. Showing love and support through touch and words. Putting my worries aside to make sure he felt safe and lifted up made both of us feel better and more connected.

I do realize that the striving can’t and won’t stop just because I’ve seen small successes. Dedication to practicing being vulnerable is vital to a fulfilling life for me. I know this now. I didn’t before. In the short time period I have been working on this area of my life, as I briefly mentioned above, I have already experienced relationships deepening, the ability to be more loving and supportive to those most important to me, and the stability to weather daily stress at work a little better. All of which make me feel happier in general about my life.

For those of you reading this who vulnerability and being yourself comes naturally to, this all probably sounds a bit crazy. “Oh wow, you survived that insignificant moment.” But for me, these are breakthroughs. This is me practicing courage. The little things are big things and the big things are ginormous things for me. Irrational most times, yes. I realize this, yes. That is why I am so happy for these tiny victories and am dedicated to continuing on.

Are you a Brené fan? If you are, have you found any other people like her that you also enjoy learning from? I’m going to explore Glennon Doyle next because it seems that their messages are very aligned and appealing to me!