What is this world we are living in right now? I don't recognize it. My heart breaks for the state of humanity multiple times per day. I know I am not alone in this. There are so many others who lead with empathy and compassion - and we need these people now more than ever. 

With the current government shutdown, 42 million of individuals and families in the U.S. may soon lose access to their SNAP benefits. There are funds available, but we all know who is preventing them from being disbursed. As I type, a judge is trying to force distribution of the earmarked funds.  

​This was posted on the Iowa Health & Human Services website as of this morning, October 31:

This statement was further confirmed via the USDA website through a (partisan) banner alert in place on October 31:

Outside of this news, and even if SNAP benefits aren't withheld for long or at all, our communities still needs support. With prices skyrocketing, doing what we can to ensure our neighbors have food in their bellies is the least we can do. 

I was on a call the other night with the Insufferable Wenches of Iowa (IWOI) group where the main topic discussed was how we can help feed those in need. As members shared information and resources, I jotted down a long list of notes because many of the ideas and recommendations presented were not ones I had thought about myself and wanted to share. Here are a few things to keep in mind if you'd like to help feed your community:

• The IWOI is running their own "Wenches Food Drive."
• ​Supporting your local food bank is probably what comes to mind for most people. The Northeast Iowa Food Bank (NEIFB) is the one nearest me and they do incredible work. Because of a new development about the State of Iowa using "existing state funds to match all cash donations to Iowa’s six regional food banks up to $1 million," the NEIFB has a specific page set up to contribute toward that initiative: Support for NEIFB During Government Shutdown.
  • I didn't consider the fact that physically getting to the NEIFB facility may not be possible for some people and, even if they can make it, after hours needs may arise that can't be met. Additionally, to qualify for some forms of assistance there can be income restrictions and, in general, a person can only visit twice per month, see image below. This is why it is important to consider other routes of food distribution.

• Keep small towns and other pantry locations in mind. Try finding a food pantry near you to give to directly. There are so many pantries out there I wasn't aware of!
• In cities like Des Moines, they offer community fridges that need regular restocking. This document shares fridge locations in Des Moines and a few other towns.
• Consider other organizations that provide social services. People may be accessing these organizations for things other than food, but providing free food could be part of what they offer. Some ideas include:
  • Iowa Mutual Aid
  • Veterans Affairs
  • Americans for Independent Living - Veteran Resource Center
  • The Salvation Army
  • Friends of the Family
  • House of Hope
• Volunteer to serve a meal. There are places such as the Cedar Valley Hospitality House in Waterloo that welcome the community in to provide a warm, home-cooked meal for their tenants.
• If you are connected to a restaurant or business that serves or sells food, ask where unused food goes. It's a question worth asking. There is a Community Kitchen in Mason City that collaborates with local businesses to use their discarded food to make meals for those who need it. This  business model is a genius way to help cut down on food waste and make sure people don't go hungry.
• Handy? Build a Little Free Pantry in your yard so you and others can keep it stocked for those in your neighborhood to benefit.
• Improve how you donate physical goods. It's common for people to donate items out of their pantry they don't want. There's a high likelihood those visiting the pantry don't want it either, for a variety of reasons! One might be they don't know how to use it. Consider assembling meal kits with non-perishable items that include a recipe card. Dollar Tree Dinners has some great ideas - Facebook  |  TikTok. Dry beans can be a good replacement for meat as protein. Including instruction on how to prepare the beans and/or grouping them with other ingredients to create a meal can make using the items less intimidating. And, of course, providing healthy options is ideal.
• Give what you can, even if it's $1. Cash can go a long way in food banks. They have access to food at lower costs so can buy more with less. Giving money is no less valuable than giving physical goods. Both are needed and appreciated.

I hope this list helps take away some of the action paralysis you may be feeling amidst all the suffering we're being bombarded with right now. If you have more ideas, PLEASE share them in the comments.

It's on us to take care of each other 💖

As hoped, I was able to get my drains out on Monday, July 14! Again, they weren't causing me any type of pain, they're just an annoying bit of post-surgery recovery that got in the way and had to be "milked" by Joel twice per day.

An interesting fact about drains that I didn't fully realize is that they go much further into the body than you would think. For example, my drains entered the side of my body a few inches below my armpit and ran along the length of my "breast cavity" (casually known as the "under boob"). Because I'm still fairly numb in my chest, having them pulled out was not painful. They had me inhale to the count of three and exhale on three as they removed each drain tube. It was an odd sensation, but quick and barely uncomfortable.

Additionally, my dressings were removed. This consisted of an unbelievably adhesive "plastic wrap" that held up well for the 20 days I had it on. It is "skin-like" and kept moisture (along with any other unwanted substances/materials) from getting to the paper strips covering the incisions under my left armpit (from lymph node removal), my breasts (from nipple/tissue removal/expander insertion), and drain entry points (for drain tubes). 

Fortunately, all had healed up well and I was able to leave the office just wearing my compression bra! That felt extremely strange. I was given instruction to keep my "t-rex arms" and antibiotics going for the next couple of days. After that, I could somewhat go back to a "normal" routine with the addition of arm and chest stretching exercises. Those have felt both good and painful to do. I'm determined to get as much range of motion back as possible so I can be active again, while knowing I'll still be limited because I can't lift more than 10 pounds for several more weeks. 

Sitting in patient rooms waiting for both my surgical oncologist and plastic surgeon to arrive for my post-surgery follow-ups was quite surreal. It felt like just a short time ago I was in those same rooms in a patient gown feeling scared, insecure, and uncertain about what was to come. My head spinning with which surgical routes I should take. And there I was, suddenly on the other side of everything we had talked about in length just a few weeks before feeling that I'd conquered one of the hardest parts of the journey and fortunately made it through without any complications.

I credit my success largely in part to my Surgeons and their teams: Dr. Lillian Erdahl and Dr. Allison Lorenzen from University of Iowa Hospitals and Clinics. Being primarily cared for by some of the most intelligent, competent, and caring women I've ever met was a privilege I don't take for granted. In saying that, I also want to shout out the one male on my team that I couldn't have thrived without, my Clinical Psychologist, Dr. Gregory Gullickson.

Now, to get to the point of this post - my first look. Meaning what it was like for me to see and fully experience my breasts post-surgery with the drains  and dressing removed. 

In the surgeon's office after the dressing was removed I looked down with excitement and blew each a kiss for their resilience, even though they tried to kill me.

After the excitement wore off and I was home preparing to take a shower, reality sunk in. Once my compression bra was off and I started moving around and catching glances of myself in the mirror, the tears started to fall. Not because I hated what I was seeing, it was more about hating how they felt on my body. The foreign sensation of having breasts shaped by expanders is hard to explain. For me, it feels like there are two inflated balloons loosely glued to my chest that could fall off at any time. Initially, I was afraid to move in fear they'd deflate or fall to the ground. 

As I sat on the floor of the bath tub, the most I could muster after fully processing the situation, the tears continued. I looked down at my "Barbie boobs" (meaning sans-nipples) with their four to five inch horizontal scars and lumpy, bumpy shape. They were still mine, I recognized my old friends, but the poor dears had been through some things since we last saw each other. 

I still obsessively take a peek into my compression bra to ensure everything looks to be "in place." Especially if I feel I've moved a little to much... breaking the recovery rules I was given. The only discomfort I feel is periodic "cramping," mostly on my left side where the lymph nodes were removed and the cancer was. The cramps and certain movements change the form of my breasts, creating a ripple of peaks and valleys in different places. It's fascinating and sad and beautiful and tough to watch.

There is something sacred about this time as I await reconstruction surgery. Gratitude to my body for its strength. Fascination regarding this "in between" time and how my breasts are responding so well to their temporary state, unaware the trauma isn't over. A new urge to learn more about breast cancer and provide as much support to others as I can. Continued love from those around me that inspires me to be better every single day. I appreciate it all.

Thanks for following along.

Remember that really optimistic post from the other day? Yeah, well that has all changed.

If there's one thing you can count on with a cancer diagnosis is that nothing is set in stone. Appointments pushed, information expected at an appointment not able to be shared, more testing needed, results that take longer to come back than normal, and the list goes on. My surgery date is about the only thing during this journey that happened the way we expected it to. 

My hopes to get the drains out this week have dwindled. The drainage levels haven't met requirements so it's looking like I'll potentially (key word) get them out at my follow up appointments on July 14. That's 20 days after my surgery. The literature says on average they can be taken out in 7-10 days. This has been very discouraging and pushed back my recovery timeline.

I also learned that although I'll still have my surgery follow up meetings next week, I won't be able to meet with my oncologist about any needed cancer treatment the following day as planned because it will be another 2 weeks before my oncotype test will be back. This test is key because its results will determine if I'll need chemotherapy or not. Meeting without knowing those results won't have value.

And in other super fun news: They found a spot on my liver that I get to have an MRI for! Health insurance still hasn't processed our claims so we have no idea if we'll owe $100 or $10,000. I have sharp pains in my arms and chest anytime I want to do literally anything - from getting out of a chair and taking the lid off a water bottle to getting dressed by myself and going to the restroom.

My motto all along is to see the positive side of things, and that's what I've presented to the world thus far. But this is a glimpse into the tough side. The constant fluctuations of unknowns. The realization that as much as I will my body to get better, expect prompt closure on diagnosis and treatment, or confirmation of what's truly next, is, in most cases, completely out of my control.

I'm approaching the two week mark since I had my bilateral mastectomy. The recovery process has had its difficulties but, overall, is less taxing than I expected.

My daily routine is wake up, take my meds, empty my drains, sit still in our recliner, walk a little, take my meds, empty my drains, and go to bed in the recliner. Joel goes back to work this week so I'll have to do some of these steps on my own. I'll miss having him here for constant support and care! He's incredible.

My family and friends pick up where Joel leaves off. I've been so lucky to have many visitors to break up the long days. They often come bearing food and gift baskets. Other times its an offer to help around the house or a comedic performance (thanks to my nieces and nephews). An example of this is when my best friend visited and folded ALL of our laundry that we were very behind on! That's love. And I love her.

I'm happy to report that I'm needing less of everything every day - assistance, pain meds, etc. Swelling is going down, I still have some discomfort in my breasts, and can feel the expanders. The latter was surprising. There are certain areas I can press down on and it feels like pushing in on an empty water bottle.

My drain levels are getting lower and I hope to get them out this week. Fingers and toes crossed! They are not painful, just appendages that have to be considered when doing anything - moving, getting dressed, etc. If you don't know much about drains, they help me heal properly by removing excess fluid that can cause pain, swelling, and other issues. The bulbs create suction that pull the fluid out of my body via tubes that are inside my body near the surgical site, held in place with sutures. ​Below is what they look like.

I'm anxious for my follow up with the Surgical Oncologist and Plastic Surgeon on July 14. That will be the day I find out if I'll need further cancer treatment - radiation and/or chemotherapy.

I got a preview of my pathology report via MyChart and it looks like they found two additional tumors in my left breast (the breast that already had two known tumors, prompting the surgery) and my right breast had several abnormal items that were unexpected. I'm not a doctor, so I could be wrong, but this is what I think the report presented. It gives me no better idea about whether or not more treatment will be needed, so I need to have patience until the professionals cover it with me.

These are a few of my Favorite Things...
Joel, my family and friends did an amazing job gathering all of the supplies I'd need before and after my surgery. Here are just a few of the items I've used daily, there will be more to come!

Post Mastectomy Pillow

I use this almost every second of every day! It is first and foremost a shield from the dogs jumping on my chest. The pillows on the side help prevent rubbing in my underarms, specifically the side that had lymph nodes removed. It's a necessary item to have in the car as a barrier between me and the seatbelt. I wore it in the car post surgery and couldn't have survived the trip without it. The pockets allow me to hold my phone, the remotes, etc. so I can follow the instruction to do everything with t-rex arms!

Because I'm sleeping in the recliner each night while I have my drains in, this neck pillow has become a requirement for good sleep! I use it whenever I'm resting and wore it on the way home in the car post surgery so I could sleep, because I could barely keep my eyes open that day!

I've never been a sleep mask girl but I am now! Again, sleeping in the recliner means being in a living room that gets super bright, super early. I can live in denial that a new day has come for an hour or two.

I preferred not to take full showers for a bit post surgery. I took one a couple of days after but it was a little too nerve wracking for me. I preferred wet wipes (below) and these shampoo caps. It's really a remarkable item that made my hair feel fresh and clean.  You just put on a cap, "lather" as you would in the shower, and take it off. Your hair gets just as wet as if you showered, without having to go through the whole process.

In addition to the shampoo caps, I use these washcloths to clean up. For face and body, these have been convenient and a great way to freshen up in lieu of a shower. They are gentle, do not irritate my skin, and the scent is very nice, not a "chemical" smell like you'd get from a regular wet wipe. They're large in size, so are easy to use and one cloth can cover a lot of ground!

Hooray for breast cancer being out of my body!
On Tuesday, June 24, 2025, I underwent a successful skin sparing, bilateral (double) mastectomy (removal of breast tissue, nipples) to extract three cancerous tumors (stage 1 invasive ductal carcinoma) and related lymph nodes on my left side, with expander insertion to prepare my breasts for later reconstruction. Here's a little recap of how it went.

I had an appointment the day before, on June 23, with Nuclear Medicine so they could inject "radioactive tracers" into my left breast. The tracers let the surgeons know which lymph nodes are the first ones cancer cells are likely to spread to from the breast tumors. Mine ended up being in my armpit.

The appointment was very quick, so we snuck in a move at Coral Ridge Mall. Highly recommend Elio!

We then headed to the hotel to settle in for the night. Our room number was "511" - the same street number as our home address. I took that as a positive sign! After a visit with my parents, we hit the pool for my last swim in a while, and then my sister came to our room to braid my hair for surgery. I slept well surrounded by my stuffies, a mix of mine and ones given to me by family and friends. My nerves were rooted in excitement to get this part of the journey rolling.

Check-in time for surgery was 6:30 a.m. for an 8:30 a.m. start. We arrived on time and almost immediately taken back to the pre-op room. I was one of the first cases of the day since my procedure would run from 8-10 hours. The pre-op team was excellent and made me feel at ease about what was going to happen. Part of the process was drawing five vials of blood for the research I agreed to through the university. I was given high compliments on my good veins and ability to pump blood out quickly! (LOL, something to be proud of I suppose.)

From there I hit the operating room and that's a big blank space for the next 10 hours! I was talking to my Anesthesiologist about keeping rabbits out of my garden and then all of a sudden I was being rolled into my room from post-op recovery.

The doctors told my support crew that everything was "textbook" and went as well as it could have. I responded well to everything that was done and they were able to successfully complete everything that was planned. Also, my lymph nodes were clear (the best news) so no further surgical procedures were required in that area.

​Joel made sure there was a Mountain Dew waiting for me when I got out, my special request before going in. I hung out with Joel, my parents, sister, and best friend for a bit, and my sister helped get my dinner ordered. We were all relieved and happy to be together celebrating that all went well.

To top the day off, there was a Harry Potter marathon on for me to fall asleep (and wake up in the middle of the night) to!

I spent just one night in the hospital. All looked good regarding the state of my health and response to the surgery, so I was able to go home in the morning. The only medical residuals I had to take home with me were plastic wraps and a compression bra around my breasts, and an external drain for each breast dangling from a drain belt.

After a final visit from my family, breakfast, and a little bout of nausea, we were loading up the car and heading home. I slept from the moment I was strapped into the car through to the next day!

Since returning home, all has gone quite well. Joel has taken on the role of nurse, chef, dog sitter, family/friend updater, head gardener, and so much more. Luckily, he was able to take a couple of weeks off to be by my side. He manages the meds I have to take throughout the day and empties my drains morning and night, along with feeding, bathing, and dressing me. I couldn't do this without him! Get yourself a Joel if you can. But you can't have mine.

We've been able to manage my pain, which didn't start getting "bad" until about day 4 or 5 when my nerves began to recalibrate and come alive again. It's wonderful to experience feeling coming back to my breasts, so the "pain" is worth it. I can't complain too much though, what I'm feeling is tolerable and certainly better than I thought it would be.

The thing that I haven't been able to manage is staying still! I felt good to go almost immediately after the anesthesia fuzziness and tiredness wore off. I paid the price for not following my "move like a t-rex" instructions from the Plastic Surgeon, so I learned my first lesson quickly. I am now as still as possible (which isn't good enough, but the best I can do).

I'm spending my days in a recliner reading, doing puzzles, coloring, and napping. We've had visitors every day which has helped break up the long hours of sitting. Many have brought us food to enjoy so Joel doesn't need to cook and items to keep me occupied in the vast downtime. We feel surrounded by love and support. That is so vital to moving forward with bravery and strength. I know if I were to stumble or fall, we have a network of loved ones to catch us. Thanks to all of you reading this who are one of those people.

Seeing the Full Picture
Square websites don't offer "graphic content" warnings that allow a person to choose if they view an image or not. I was going to share a real time picture of what my breasts look like in order to better educate people about what this process entails and what to expect post-surgery. But I don't want to shock anyone without their consent!

​I have no reservations sharing these types of images because, although graphic, they may help others facing this same type of surgery get a fuller picture of what to expect from a real person they can interact with. I'm happy to share more "down and dirty" details with anyone who wants or needs them. Leave a comment or reach out to me via my site's contact page!

June 10th marked two weeks until my bilateral (double) mastectomy. When I had that realization things started to feel real. I’ve been talking about it for months, it felt so far away. But it’s not far away anymore. I don’t know what emotions are presenting themselves at any given moment. I think it’s a bit of a tornado of all of them all at once:

• I feel confident about my health (outside of the cancer) and ability to recover. 
• I feel scared of the unknowns and how much pain I’ll be in afterwards. 
• I feel confident in my medical team and facilities.  
• I feel scared something unexpected will happen that is out of anyone’s control. 
• I feel supported by my health insurance company for what they can cover. 
• I feel scared my health insurance won’t cover everything. 
• I feel supported by my incredible husband, family and friends. 
• I feel scared about being away from work for up to a month. 

I’m able to push through the waves of emotion by leaning on my natural default in turbulent situations: “business-mode.” Another part of my being takes over and I love her very much. She absorbs information, rationalizes and accepts the reality of it, educates herself, asks the right questions, and processes the answers to make sound decisions. She’s served me well so far. But no matter how much research, or leg work, or preparation she can muster, at the end of the day, after all the decisions have been made, every remaining detail is out of her control. Out of my control.  

I’ve done my best to remind myself to “give in” to the fact that I won’t have control over much in the coming weeks. Working what’s to come isn’t going to be of benefit to me. Letting thoughts and feelings flow in and out has been the best approach. When I’m mad, I allow it. When I feel like crying, I allow it. When I’m afraid, I allow it. The same applies to the positive parts of all this, which has been more present than bad – the sweetest surprise. When I’m loved on, I allow it. When help is offered, I allow it. When support is expressed, I allow it. No holding on to any one thought or feelings, just clouds floating by. 

As I mentioned, I feel confident about who is caring for me, which is the most important part at this point in the journey. University of Iowa Health Care has been a fitting medical home for me. I’m constantly impressed by their efficiency and follow up. They also really care. I have left every appointment feeling better than they found me. 

The past few weeks have included pre-surgical visits with my surgical oncologist, plastic surgeon, and oncology psychiatrist. I have a CT scan next week along with another visit with behavioral oncology and first visit with the oncology dietician. There is a wide range of support services available, and I’ve been asking to be referred to as many as I have time for.  

At this moment, my care plan is to have a bilateral (double) mastectomy with “expanders” inserted. Expanders help preserve the shape of the breast as I heal, give my immune system a break from fighting cancer, and prepare for reconstruction. Later in the year (if my blood vessels qualify – fingers and toes crossed) I’ll have DIEP (Deep Inferior Epigastric Perforator) flap breast reconstruction. It uses tummy tissue to rebuild the breasts. I chose this route because it is a “forever” procedure. Implants require monitoring and replacement in 10-15 years. The whole reason for choosing to have a bilateral mastectomy vs. a unilateral mastectomy was to have no ongoing maintenance – monitoring, biopsies, hopefully no cancer treatment, etc. So, although there will be a bit more to the DIEP surgery, in the long run, it’s the best choice for me. A big investment up front for, best case scenario, a long-term solution to remain breast cancer-free for the rest of my days! 

I look forward to sharing more leading up to and after my surgery. Thanks to those of you who are following along, your care, concern, and support means so much! 

Things I’ve Learned and Recommend… 
I believe being your own advocate is the best thing you can do for yourself when faced with a medical challenge. For me, being an advocate for myself took the shape of research, building out a narrowed list of what type of care or treatment I thought was best for me, and visualizing myself receiving the care or treatment to ensure it felt right and would fit my lifestyle. I took the medical knowledge, a list of pros and cons of treatment options, and open questions to each doctor. I ran through everything with them to ensure I was basing my decisions on sound facts and outcomes, asking if they had any specific recommendations based on what they knew about me, and then took both what I gathered and their professional feedback home with me for consideration.  

There is no rush (unless, of course, the surgery or treatment is urgent) to make a call on the spot, especially if you are a “processer” like me. You must live with the decisions you make, not your health care team. Walking into appointments with a baseline understanding of what would be happening, questions, and preliminary ideas of what treatment plan I wanted to follow was extremely empowering. It allowed me to be fully present and listen to my doctors without being overwhelmed with a bunch of new information and being unprepared when asked what I’d like to do. Appointments were efficient and effective because we were able to get right into creating a plan unique to me. 

I make this sound like it was easy, but many times I had to coerce myself into looking what was coming straight in the eye. Opening the comprehensive breast cancer guide was hard, but every time I got into it, I closed the book feeling better off for being brave enough to face the facts and reassured that whatever choice I made was OK as long as it sat right with me. 

In Gratitude...
Thank you to EVERYONE who has reached out or shared well wishes for me with Joel. I don’t feel worthy of the love I’ve received, but it has made this whole situation a lot easier to deal with, knowing that if I/we were to need ANYTHING, we have a whole network of family and friends to rely on. 

In the coming weeks, I hope to feel up to sharing more of what it's like to navigate a breast cancer diagnosis and treatment - the good, bad, and ugly. Including good ways to support someone going through a serious illness. The thoughtfulness extended to me thus far has been humbling and given me many ideas on how I can better be there for others. 

We welcomed a new little one to our family. I'm pleased to introduce our female Yorkshire Terrier, Lady Bird "Birdie" Sires! She's just a few months old (born November 30, 2021) and a typical puppy - CrAzY!

She came to us at around 2 pounds and is now almost 3.5 pounds, just to help you picture how small she is right now. But that shouldn't fool you. She is BOLD and fearless (most times, too much of both). She is a mouse, shark, flying squirrel, monkey all wrapped together in a sassy bow. She definitely has a big personality. Birdie joins her brother, Homer, our 5-year-old Australian Terrier, and a sister, Madison, our 15-year-old German Shepherd. For the most part, they like each other. It's taken some time for them to warm up to a puppy that is in their faces every chance she gets. She loves them both very much.

Behavior-wise - she's really good, aside from wanting to chew everything with her sharp fangs. "Ouch," is said in this household multiple times per day. She is picking up on potty-training pretty well, along with some other basic commands. Playing fetch is her favorite. We have taken her on long outdoor walks, and she sticks close and listens, which is great. We want her to be a good traveler and hiker like her big brother. She's also been really good with others, including dogs.

Other than that, we're ecstatic, frustrated, full of love, and annoyed. There are daily highs and lows. But that little face...and body...and bark...so. cute. In the end, a puppy has been worth it for us.

Puppy Purchasing Thoughts
I wanted to be honest about the entire process, because it wasn't all smooth sailing. I am an "adopt, don't shop" person...but we shopped. We specifically wanted a Yorkie and after following up on available Yorkie adoptions time after time with no luck for a few years, we started to consider going through a breeder. Why not wait longer? Well, we wanted whichever dog we got to be able to live with Madison before she passes away, and we don't feel like there's much more time left there.

Knowing that not all breeders are created equal, we chose to go through Petland in Iowa City. They were very nice, had lots of good reviews online, and connections to breeders of so many different types of dogs - including Yorkies. After our first visit, they found a Yorkie for us. If I could do it all over again, I would not go through Petland.

First, their prices are outrageous (like seriously, insane - I'm ashamed of what we paid) - but they don't drop the price bomb on you until AFTER you've met the dog and it is obvious, you're not leaving without it. You've got the new puppy glow (aka sucker face). And the cost doesn't include immunizations, getting spayed, etc. - that's on top of the purchase price. But ultimately, I thought, someone had to buy her, and if anyone was going to buy her, it was going to be us. I felt connected to her right away and just couldn't bear thinking about her going to another family.

Second, things seemed off from the start when I picked her up. She kept throwing up, and everyone insisted it was because she was so nervous and that is common with all small breeds like her. I questioned that then and still now, but it's whatever. That should have been a huge red flag, but we'd already put down a deposit. There I was with this little sick puppy, in too deep to turn back at that point.

Third, in our opinion, we believe they took Birdie from the breeder too young (which could have contributed to the issue above). We got her at eight weeks, which we knew felt wrong, but that's what it was. She had a rough first few days with us, bleeding from her hind end (which Petland told us was normal - but it is NOT at all normal). The angels at Pawsitive Pet Care were mortified by the whole situation. They wanted to know everything, including the name of the breeder she came from so they could look into them. They treated her and sent her home with an antibiotic that helped immediately. When we go in for her shots, everyone remembers her as "that dog" that came in frighteningly sick. They're so happy to see her healthy and happy - truly the best team if you're looking for a vet.

Moral of the puppy buying story - if you shop, research breeders on your own, work directly with them, make sure the puppies are not taken from their families too soon, and even if your brain is exploding with endorphins, be realistic about what you want to and can spend. Also - just say "No" to Petland. I think of them as a sleazy group of people that fall in the same group as used car salespeople - they're in it for the money, no matter if they have to stretch the truth or do questionable things to make a sale.

But in the end - we have Birdie - and that's all that matters! She's with a family who could nurse her back to health and give her a safe and loving home. Here's another pic of our girl. If you want to see more, you can follow her on Instagram @birdiesires. Yep, I'm that dog mom...LOL!

Written By: Yung Pueblo

Love is interrupted by the pain we carry. It is easy to blame love itself for the hurt we feel, but all love does is open us up; the hurt itself comes from the heavy conditioning and ill-fated patterns that stop us from showing up in a compassionate manner. A person can be in love and also unprepared to care for that love. One can feel love for another, but also have a variety of attachments that block their appreciation for the amazing connection that is right in front of them. Attachments, our craving to have things exist in a very particular way, are the rocks that clog up the mighty flow of love. Our attachments are often molded by the hurt we have felt in the past. In this sense, attachments represent our inflexibility.

Love itself has many synonyms: mental clarity, compassion, selflessness, flexibility, acceptance and understanding. Love is so powerful because it is simultaneously hardy and elastic, it takes on the form it needs to bind people together in a wholesome and nourishing manner. But human beings are complex, and we carry the baggage of survivalist tendencies that we gathered during tough times. Love is freedom while attachment is control, all human beings walk in as a mixture of both when they enter into relationships.

What makes relationships work, even when we ourselves are so imperfect, is self-awareness. To be able to see inside of yourself, to pay close enough attention to your mental movements that unconscious tendencies slowly become clear, is an act of love for yourself and for those around you. When you can see if you are being motivated by love or by attachment, you reclaim your power from habitual reactions and start utilizing your intention to bring more harmony into your responses. It takes self-awareness to choose love.

Love itself invites healing. It creates a path for two people to not only blossom in self-awareness but to develop their emotional maturity. Love is a powerful light, if you are immersed in it and ready to grow, it will show you more of yourself. Love is not just for your soothing; it is an engine of evolution. The effort you use to remove the reigns of the past from your mind so that you can arrive to the present as an unburdened human being is an act of love.

The greatest gift partners can give each other is a continuous commitment to their own personal healing. The love you are able to give to yourself and your partner is determined by your self-awareness. If your self-awareness is growing, you will have a greater capacity for intentional actions that are authentic. If you both find methods to help you unload the past that you carry, you will find your minds lighter and there will be more space for you to deepen your connection. Love is a dynamic force, if you are both able to loosen your attachments, it will help you flow together with greater ease.
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The uncomfortable truth is that many who have never ventured into healing will struggle to love well. Those who do take their healing seriously have a greater chance at figuring out healthy ways of supporting each other’s happiness. To build the type of home where both of you feel the spaciousness of freedom and the comforting support of the voluntary commitments you have made to each other is a goal worth pursuing.

Oh, hey! It has been a minute. I’ve been busy pivoting.

The past few months have been a wild ride to say the least. I have experienced the lowest of lows and the highest of highs. I wallowed in some really dark, painful places, hoping there was a reason for all of it.

I know COVID had a lot to do with it. Although COVID was and is such a devastating thing to be living through, the slower pace, and the way that changed pace affected so many parts of our lives, was eye opening for me. It became clear fairly quickly how much the career I pursued impacted so many facets of my life – taking up a lot of emotional and mental space, as well as seeping into my free time and relationships. With a full year or more of reduced outreach and event commitments, the thought of going back to how things were (going to 40+ events on top of my regular duties) was panic attack inducing. I didn’t think I could do it anymore after 15+ years in this field.

The more the world opened up, the heavier my chest felt. I knew what was coming and honestly could not deal. I could feel my mental health taking a dive and called my mental health provider. I was in tears with her the first two calls as we talked through what medication changes we could make. On the third medication pivot, I could at least function enough to act professional at work (without biting at people, crying in my office, etc.). If you know me, this behavior is not me, so this was another glaring red flag.

I also faced the fact that for most of the years I had been in my profession, I ended up miserable – crashing and burning. Then I hopped into the same role somewhere else out of desperation to escape, only to meet the same demise. I’ve switched jobs more than I’d like to admit. It is something I am ashamed about, but, working with many different places made me better all around, strengthening my skills and network, and gave me confidence at my last job to execute an entire program/plan on my own with complete ease. I honestly considered myself an “expert” when I left.
This cycle was really the definition of insanity – doing the same thing over and over, each time expecting a different result. I HATE being in that position. I am solution oriented when I see this happening in my life, and it was time to do something about my job. The true wakeup call came when I was becoming physically ill, calling into work, something I don’t do. A pivot was calling (and necessary).

Side Note: This is actually a thing in 2021. They are calling it the “Great Resignation” according to The New Yorker: Why are so many knowledge workers quitting? Super fascinating.

So much of our life was up in the air during the time I was struggling most and preventing me from making a change. Certain things needed to fall into place before either Joel or I could move forward and go after what we wanted. Joel being down for eight weeks due to ankle surgery didn’t help things…but he feels better and we are so thankful that we have access to good health insurance. That’s all that matters there.

Then all of a sudden, things started falling into place very organically. I don’t know that we’ve experienced such fortune at one time before. We’re extremely grateful for it and do not take it for granted.

The job I applied for and was most interested in got back to me and chose to hire me very quickly. I now work from home for a business based in Oregon. I have the best boss and coworkers, we clicked immediately. The position is in a field I’ve been interested in for a very long time that will allow me to get where I want to go by allowing me to essentially be educated on the job. Joel got a full time position with benefits, which was necessary because mine did not offer health insurance.

Due to the medication and job pivots, I am a different person. I often tell Joel, “This must be what it feels like to be normal.” I needed more and different medication than I had been taking. I needed to reevaluate my work and find a job that was better suited for me. These two things combined have changed my life in big ways and I’ll be forever appreciative.

What parts of your life could use a pivot? It’s worth taking the time to face the facts in front of you. Going through tough periods to get you where you want to be are so hard, but worth it (I say this from the other side of one). You deserve to be happy. Find paths that help you get to that place. It may be messy, but if your choices prevail, the work it takes to get there is priceless.

Here is me in my home office with my co-workers!