Written By: Yung Pueblo
This piece is not by me, but I felt it was too important and powerful not to share in its full beauty. I hope it speaks to you as deeply as it struck me. These words can only make all of us better humans in all of our relationships. I also want as many people as possible to know about Yung Pueblo. His writings have been some of the most valuable and impactful words I have ever read.
Love is interrupted by the pain we carry. It is easy to blame love itself for the hurt we feel, but all love does is open us up; the hurt itself comes from the heavy conditioning and ill-fated patterns that stop us from showing up in a compassionate manner. A person can be in love and also unprepared to care for that love. One can feel love for another, but also have a variety of attachments that block their appreciation for the amazing connection that is right in front of them. Attachments, our craving to have things exist in a very particular way, are the rocks that clog up the mighty flow of love. Our attachments are often molded by the hurt we have felt in the past. In this sense, attachments represent our inflexibility.
Love itself has many synonyms: mental clarity, compassion, selflessness, flexibility, acceptance and understanding. Love is so powerful because it is simultaneously hardy and elastic, it takes on the form it needs to bind people together in a wholesome and nourishing manner. But human beings are complex, and we carry the baggage of survivalist tendencies that we gathered during tough times. Love is freedom while attachment is control, all human beings walk in as a mixture of both when they enter into relationships.
What makes relationships work, even when we ourselves are so imperfect, is self-awareness. To be able to see inside of yourself, to pay close enough attention to your mental movements that unconscious tendencies slowly become clear, is an act of love for yourself and for those around you. When you can see if you are being motivated by love or by attachment, you reclaim your power from habitual reactions and start utilizing your intention to bring more harmony into your responses. It takes self-awareness to choose love.
Love itself invites healing. It creates a path for two people to not only blossom in self-awareness but to develop their emotional maturity. Love is a powerful light, if you are immersed in it and ready to grow, it will show you more of yourself. Love is not just for your soothing; it is an engine of evolution. The effort you use to remove the reigns of the past from your mind so that you can arrive to the present as an unburdened human being is an act of love.
The greatest gift partners can give each other is a continuous commitment to their own personal healing. The love you are able to give to yourself and your partner is determined by your self-awareness. If your self-awareness is growing, you will have a greater capacity for intentional actions that are authentic. If you both find methods to help you unload the past that you carry, you will find your minds lighter and there will be more space for you to deepen your connection. Love is a dynamic force, if you are both able to loosen your attachments, it will help you flow together with greater ease.
The uncomfortable truth is that many who have never ventured into healing will struggle to love well. Those who do take their healing seriously have a greater chance at figuring out healthy ways of supporting each other’s happiness. To build the type of home where both of you feel the spaciousness of freedom and the comforting support of the voluntary commitments you have made to each other is a goal worth pursuing.
I recently watched a television show that I’m a fan of that follows the (fictional) lives of three young women. I enjoy the show because it doesn’t follow the typical storyline. The show is diverse, inclusive, progressive, and is not afraid to dive into very vulnerable, sensitive, real life topics. Like the decision to have a child. Or not to have a child. The latest episode that featured the latter is what spurred this post.
This particular episode moved me and I felt extremely understood. Definitely less alone. Later, when a snippet of the show containing the moment one of the characters tells her husband she does not want to have children was posted to social media, I was interested in the comments that followed. Most people wondered why the character and her husband hadn’t talked in depth about kids before they got married. The commenters’ viewpoints were valid and true to their beliefs and experiences. Of course, that is probably the “ideal” order of things for most people. But being a person who completely related to the character and the events that unfolded, I saw the situation very differently and wished I could have responded to everyone that choosing not to have children isn’t always a cut and dry decision for everyone.
I was raised with this saying on repeat:
“First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes baby in a baby carriage.”
So many of us heard this, recited this, believed this. Especially as the words became real and we watched it happen to the people around us as we grew up. This order of events starts to feel like a given. A truth. The roadmap to becoming an adult and creating a family when you are younger. At least for me it was.
Joel and I honestly did not talk a lot about the things you’re supposed to talk about before getting married. We are very much a day-by-day couple. We were in love, we were creating a life we were happy in together, and that’s all that mattered before and after we tied the knot. I think both of us assumed that kids would become part of our story. Until they didn’t.
I thought I’d eventually get a feeling. A desire to have a child. It never came. Our nephews and nieces came along. I thought, “holding them will give me ‘that feeling.’” I instantly loved them each beyond words, and am in awe of their mothers, but I still didn’t want one of my own. I would take prenatal vitamins and buy baby books and start baby Pinterest boards and talk to my family about having a baby. Not once did it feel authentic. Not once. I felt like I was doing and saying things just because I was supposed to. I almost felt like a robot spewing off words that I was programmed to say.
When I began to honor my gut instincts is when things got really hard. Even though Joel and I hadn’t talked about it, so didn’t have any concrete plans about having a baby, the thing that weighed the most on me was letting him down. Because he is an AMAZING man who would make an AMAZING father. When I finally came to terms with how I felt and was confident kids weren’t in the cards for me, for us, I slowly started to let him know where I was at. I don’t think we’ve ever had more difficult conversations. Most ended with me saying, “I completely understand if this is a deal breaker for you. It’s just something I can’t compromise on.” I wanted him to be fulfilled and happy, because he truly deserves that. I didn’t want him to resent me for the rest of our life together.
I had to understand and accept that in making this decision for myself, the results could be devastating to my marriage. That is the honest truth. That’s when I knew that what I was feeling was what I really wanted. I was willing to risk the greatest love I’ve ever had over it.
Fortunately, we navigated our way through and came out on the other side still together, happier with each passing year. I’m beyond lucky to have a partner who loves me in a transcendent way. He was willing to sacrifice any desires he had to have a child to stay in the life the two of us were only beginning to build together.
The reasoning behind my choice is obviously multi-faceted. There is no one reason. The lack of interest in the entire thought of parenthood being the biggest. Along with not wanting to pass down inherited and genetic mental health issues and trauma coming in close second.
I must admit, it’s a strange thing to be a childless woman. Especially a woman who is physically able to have children, but chooses not to. I think it is really hard for a lot of people to understand, and that’s OK. Reactions from others vary. At the end of the day, this decision is one I know I made the right call on. I’m proud of myself for diving deep, facing the uncomfortable, and discovering what I truly wanted, as hard as it was to face.
Life, and marriage specifically, has no roadmap. There are most definitely “ideal” ideas of how things should go, but most times, they don’t go that way. We can’t cast stones at other peoples’ experience. We always need to remember we are all on different paths, going at our own pace, making the best decisions for ourselves as we can.
I wanted to write about this topic, as difficult as it was, so other women having the same thoughts and experiences feel less alone, like the show I watched did for me. I also want young women to know there is another track they can take if they don’t feel that children are something they want. That feelings of not wanting to be a mother are just as natural and important as wanting to be a mother – even if it doesn’t appear that way.
If you choose not to have a child, you are not selfish. You are not lesser than. You are strong, and you are enough. Be brave, own your decision, and share your truth with others. Most importantly, know you can still live a happy and fulfilling life without children. I'm living proof.
Big hugs to all.
I hope your new year got off to a great start!
I thought I’d pop on to give an update on how I’m feeling after committing myself to the free 30-day Dedicate Yoga Journey and 35-day Mindset Reset programs. I talk about both of these programs over on my Wren Picks page if you want full details.
I’m a little over halfway through both programs and am loving them both equally! It has been wonderful to be intentional about taking time to focus on my mind and body every single day. It’s amazing what can happen in just a couple of weeks.
What I’m noticing from daily yoga:
I can definitely tell a difference when I do yoga in the morning vs. at night. My entire day is different in the best ways. So you’d think I’d want to do it that way every day, right? Not necessarily...If I don’t “have to” do yoga in the morning, I save it for the evening because it's a good way for me to wind down. When I say “have to” do yoga – I’m not saying it in a bad way – I’m just torn right now because I’m reading a really good book so I’m pumped for “off mornings” when I have time to spare before work!
It’s truly amazing how fast our bodies can snap back when you return them to past routines. I like to think when our bodies respond positively to what we’re doing, we’re on the lifestyle path we’re supposed to be on. I try to do yoga as often as I can, but weeks can go by in between practices sometimes, so it’s been nice to make it a priority again. I can already feel my strength coming back. My posture getting better. A little tone (even if it’s miniscule) showing in my arms. Aches and pains getting worked out.
And of course the little world in my head feels better, too. I am more calm, focused, and present. I can normally get lost in the movements, which provides such nice relief to my over productive brain.
What I’m noticing from daily reflection:
This journey has been a little more difficult. I am learning SO MUCH from the program, but the work and self-reflection it requires has brought some painful truths to light. But they are truths I had to see in order to move forward. It’s all about the root cause. What happened to me or what did I observe that causes the actions and reactions I express today? Pretty powerful stuff. Not always pretty. But powerful.
Another big key point is recognizing the default thought patterns we’ve come to believe as truths and replacing them with deliberate thoughts. Most of the default thoughts running through our head are coming from past experiences (many, but not all, from childhood) where we were trying to fit in, be accepted, stay part of the pack, not make waves, etc. But as ADULTS, we don’t have listen to those thoughts anymore. We can CHOOSE to think differently. We can think “this,” not “that.” We don’t have to be defined by the big triggers we brand ourselves with – “I’m not enough.” “I’m not lovable.” “I’m a bad person.” When we believe these things, we truly become these things. And that’s not OK! Instead, we can say – “I am doing my best.” “I am loved.” “I always come from a place of good intention.” It’s up to us to flip the switch.
I was already hyperaware of myself and the world around me, but now I’m hyperaware in a different way. For example, now that I know anxiety is the physical manifestation of worry in our bodies, I pay close attention to what my body is doing at any point in time. Am I tense, tingly, tight? Where? Why? And what can I do to ease out of it? I’m hoping if I keep catching myself, my body will naturally start reacting in a cooler, calmer way to my triggers.
There are SO MANY other gems to learn from this program. I feel like I’ll be processing what I’m learning for the next few months as I continue to practice the tips that are offered. My favorite part is that this program is scientifically based. As a science nerd, I love so much of the information being shared. Neuroscience? Studies? Proven to be effective? Yep – that’s my type of advice.
Patience is a virtue here. Overcoming items we are challenged with is not an event, it’s a process.
The best thing I’ve learned so far:
Creating a morning routine is a GAME CHANGER.
I hate mornings. I hate hearing my alarm. I used to hit snooze 3-4 times a day. I most intensely hate leaving my bed. It’s my favorite place on Earth, so peeling myself out is no easy task. I love it so much that the other night I literally thanked it for existing. My love for my bed runs deep.
Anyway – I’ve learned that getting out of bed at the right time – when my mind is most ready – will serve me all throughout the day. The snooze button is not allowed. This is the most important and valuable trick I will follow faithfully.
Here’s what is recommended for a morning routine:
I could cry thinking about how much I appreciate this space I have created for myself. It is sacred. I look forward to it. I revel in it. I carry the peace and positive energy with me into the day.
This post turned out to be not so quick…but I hope it encourages you to explore options for improving your physical and mental health. Our bodies and minds are something we take for granted daily, so take a few minutes a day to connect and understand what they are trying to say to you!
I've been thinking a lot lately about memories. The legacies we leave. The things we remember about those that have touched our lives. The things they remember about us.
I tend to remember the little things. Character traits or quirky actions that are probably missed by most, but to me, are things I look back on and tear up about. Because they are the things that help me remember why that person is special to me and how much I love them.
One of the smallest yet significant examples I will share is about the sound of my grandpa's shuffle. I would eat dinner with my grandparents once a week, and today, still eat dinner each week with my grandma. One night after dinner was done and my grandpa left the table to refill his iced tea, I heard the shuffle of his feet and pants dragging on the ground. His pants were a little too long and he was in his socks. In the moment, I thought it was so cute, and realized it's a sound I had heard so many times before, but never really listened to. It's a sound I can still hear. And it makes me miss him so much, but reminds me in a million different ways how much I love him.
My sister's laugh. My mom's voice when she's happy. My dad's scent. My grandma's graceful demeanor. My husband's warmth. The way my uncle wraps his extension cords. These are just a few of the countless number of small things that make my heart swell.
We're lucky to exist side-by-side on this Earth. Human connection is so beautiful, especially when every inch of it is appreciated - including its flaws. Here's to noticing not only the big things, but the little things, too. I truly believe the little things are keys to knowing and remembering what real love feels like.
Let's talk about expectations. The ones we put on ourselves. The ones others put on us. And how they differ from one another.
I grew up in a very small community and went to the school there. Envision a high school movie that features a character who "has it all": Pretty, Student Senate President, Head Cheerleader, Community Volunteer, Homecoming Queen, Dates the Quarterback of the Football Team, Etc. That was me. Typical "popular" girl. So much a stereotype that I cringe thinking back, but I was simply along for the ride.
Because it was such a small school and because I was so involved, people knew who I was. They admired me. They looked up to me. A responsibility I took very seriously and was humbled by on so many different occasions.
They also had very high expectations for me. I was going to do "big things" in their eyes. I remember in one of my classes someone wrote, "If anyone from this school will be a success, it will be Augusta." That's a lot of weight to put on an 18-year-old's shoulders.
I had teachers trying to talk me into fancy colleges, my peers thought I'd be off to New York City the day after graduation, and my family thought I'd be some powerful so-and-so somewhere outside of Iowa. That was success in many of their eyes. Flying far away from where you came from and never looking back. Very poetic. Very stereotypical high school thinking. Very overwhelming for a person that didn't know how to, nor really wanted to, wander too far away from what she loved most - her "home" and everything that entailed.
I probably didn't do any of the things that people back then, or since then, thought I would do. And I don't really care anymore. At one time I did. And that was wasted time. The expectations that were and continue to be set for me don't always necessarily match what I expect from myself. And that's OK.
I've spent many, many, many hours of my life thinking about what "success" means to me, what I should be proud of, what I've learned from, who I am at my core. I've let the expectations that others laid on me throughout my life tumble around in the background. I still recognize them, but they don't drive me like perhaps they once did.
So what if people think you've "failed" because they don't think you've met the expectations they set for you without your consent? That's not fair to anyone.
I am no holy exception to the expectation rule, I confess that I set unrealistic expectations for others. I've played the same game I'm blaming others for. I've created goals for people in my head that I have no business even pondering about. I've been let down or felt sorry for others when their life took a direction I never imagined for them. But I'm trying to change that. I try to remember how having expectations rained down on you when you forgot your umbrella to protect yourself feels. Not good.
The expectations I hold myself to are simple. Far less grandiose and complex than the ones (set by others) I've let loom over me for far too long.
I strive to be a great wife; a good daughter, sister, family member and friend; a compassionate person who allows for grace, even when grace is hard to give; someone who is generous to those in need; a comforting presence in time of sorrow; a source of strength in difficult situations; and someone who appreciates where they came from and everything they have. My overarching expectation for myself is to be a good human being. And if I can accomplish that, then I consider myself to be truly successful.
Let's just all wish each other well. How does that sound? I'll live my life, you live yours, and I hope they're both happy ones. Let's leave our expectations for others at the door and watch what happens. I think we'll like what we see.
Thank you for visiting my blog! With this first post so begins documentation of my life as a reborn country girl.
My parents raised my sister and I on a wonderful plot of land in the country. When I left the nest, I lived in various cities (large towns is a better term) surrounding my childhood home. In high school, I expressed desires of wanting to live in New York City. I never made it out of Iowa (aside from traveling), but as I've grown, I wouldn't have wanted it any other way.
As I got older, began seeking and practicing natural paths to solitude, and as talk of having children became more frequent, the country was calling.
My husband and I will be moving onto a two acre piece of land a few houses down from my childhood home in the country and we couldn't be happier. There is such comfort that comes with this decision, including:
I'm bringing the big city to the even bigger Iowa countryside. On our property, current day trends will collide with everything that is good, tried, and true about simple, country living.