Written By: Yung Pueblo

Love is interrupted by the pain we carry. It is easy to blame love itself for the hurt we feel, but all love does is open us up; the hurt itself comes from the heavy conditioning and ill-fated patterns that stop us from showing up in a compassionate manner. A person can be in love and also unprepared to care for that love. One can feel love for another, but also have a variety of attachments that block their appreciation for the amazing connection that is right in front of them. Attachments, our craving to have things exist in a very particular way, are the rocks that clog up the mighty flow of love. Our attachments are often molded by the hurt we have felt in the past. In this sense, attachments represent our inflexibility.

Love itself has many synonyms: mental clarity, compassion, selflessness, flexibility, acceptance and understanding. Love is so powerful because it is simultaneously hardy and elastic, it takes on the form it needs to bind people together in a wholesome and nourishing manner. But human beings are complex, and we carry the baggage of survivalist tendencies that we gathered during tough times. Love is freedom while attachment is control, all human beings walk in as a mixture of both when they enter into relationships.

What makes relationships work, even when we ourselves are so imperfect, is self-awareness. To be able to see inside of yourself, to pay close enough attention to your mental movements that unconscious tendencies slowly become clear, is an act of love for yourself and for those around you. When you can see if you are being motivated by love or by attachment, you reclaim your power from habitual reactions and start utilizing your intention to bring more harmony into your responses. It takes self-awareness to choose love.

Love itself invites healing. It creates a path for two people to not only blossom in self-awareness but to develop their emotional maturity. Love is a powerful light, if you are immersed in it and ready to grow, it will show you more of yourself. Love is not just for your soothing; it is an engine of evolution. The effort you use to remove the reigns of the past from your mind so that you can arrive to the present as an unburdened human being is an act of love.

The greatest gift partners can give each other is a continuous commitment to their own personal healing. The love you are able to give to yourself and your partner is determined by your self-awareness. If your self-awareness is growing, you will have a greater capacity for intentional actions that are authentic. If you both find methods to help you unload the past that you carry, you will find your minds lighter and there will be more space for you to deepen your connection. Love is a dynamic force, if you are both able to loosen your attachments, it will help you flow together with greater ease.
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The uncomfortable truth is that many who have never ventured into healing will struggle to love well. Those who do take their healing seriously have a greater chance at figuring out healthy ways of supporting each other’s happiness. To build the type of home where both of you feel the spaciousness of freedom and the comforting support of the voluntary commitments you have made to each other is a goal worth pursuing.

I recently watched a television show that I’m a fan of that follows the (fictional) lives of three young women. I enjoy the show because it doesn’t follow the typical storyline. The show is diverse, inclusive, progressive, and is not afraid to dive into very vulnerable, sensitive, real life topics. Like the decision to have a child. Or not to have a child. The latest episode that featured the latter is what spurred this post.

This particular episode moved me and I felt extremely understood. Definitely less alone. Later, when a snippet of the show containing the moment one of the characters tells her husband she does not want to have children was posted to social media, I was interested in the comments that followed. Most people wondered why the character and her husband hadn’t talked in depth about kids before they got married. The commenters’ viewpoints were valid and true to their beliefs and experiences. Of course, that is probably the “ideal” order of things for most people. But being a person who completely related to the character and the events that unfolded, I saw the situation very differently and wished I could have responded to everyone that choosing not to have children isn’t always a cut and dry decision for everyone.

I was raised with this saying on repeat:

“First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes baby in a baby carriage.”

So many of us heard this, recited this, believed this. Especially as the words became real and we watched it happen to the people around us as we grew up. This order of events starts to feel like a given. A truth. The roadmap to becoming an adult and creating a family when you are younger. At least for me it was.

Joel and I honestly did not talk a lot about the things you’re supposed to talk about before getting married. We are very much a day-by-day couple. We were in love, we were creating a life we were happy in together, and that’s all that mattered before and after we tied the knot. I think both of us assumed that kids would become part of our story. Until they didn’t.

I thought I’d eventually get a feeling. A desire to have a child. It never came. Our nephews and nieces came along. I thought, “holding them will give me ‘that feeling.’” I instantly loved them each beyond words, and am in awe of their mothers, but I still didn’t want one of my own. I would take prenatal vitamins and buy baby books and start baby Pinterest boards and talk to my family about having a baby. Not once did it feel authentic. Not once. I felt like I was doing and saying things just because I was supposed to. I almost felt like a robot spewing off words that I was programmed to say.

When I began to honor my gut instincts is when things got really hard. Even though Joel and I hadn’t talked about it, so didn’t have any concrete plans about having a baby, the thing that weighed the most on me was letting him down. Because he is an AMAZING man who would make an AMAZING father. When I finally came to terms with how I felt and was confident kids weren’t in the cards for me, for us, I slowly started to let him know where I was at. I don’t think we’ve ever had more difficult conversations. Most ended with me saying, “I completely understand if this is a deal breaker for you. It’s just something I can’t compromise on.” I wanted him to be fulfilled and happy, because he truly deserves that. I didn’t want him to resent me for the rest of our life together.

I had to understand and accept that in making this decision for myself, the results could be devastating to my marriage. That is the honest truth. That’s when I knew that what I was feeling was what I really wanted. I was willing to risk the greatest love I’ve ever had over it.

Fortunately, we navigated our way through and came out on the other side still together, happier with each passing year. I’m beyond lucky to have a partner who loves me in a transcendent way. He was willing to sacrifice any desires he had to have a child to stay in the life the two of us were only beginning to build together.

The reasoning behind my choice is obviously multi-faceted. There is no one reason. The lack of interest in the entire thought of parenthood being the biggest. Along with not wanting to pass down inherited and genetic mental health issues and trauma coming in close second.

I must admit, it’s a strange thing to be a childless woman. Especially a woman who is physically able to have children, but chooses not to. I think it is really hard for a lot of people to understand, and that’s OK. Reactions from others vary. At the end of the day, this decision is one I know I made the right call on. I’m proud of myself for diving deep, facing the uncomfortable, and discovering what I truly wanted, as hard as it was to face.

Life, and marriage specifically, has no roadmap. There are most definitely “ideal” ideas of how things should go, but most times, they don’t go that way. We can’t cast stones at other peoples’ experience. We always need to remember we are all on different paths, going at our own pace, making the best decisions for ourselves as we can.

I wanted to write about this topic, as difficult as it was, so other women having the same thoughts and experiences feel less alone, like the show I watched did for me. I also want young women to know there is another track they can take if they don’t feel that children are something they want. That feelings of not wanting to be a mother are just as natural and important as wanting to be a mother – even if it doesn’t appear that way.

If you choose not to have a child, you are not selfish. You are not lesser than. You are strong, and you are enough. Be brave, own your decision, and share your truth with others. Most importantly, know you can still live a happy and fulfilling life without children. I'm living proof.

Big hugs to all.

As I recently shared on my “Wren’s Pick” page, I’ve become a (late to the bandwagon) “disciple” of Brené Brown. There’s a reason she is a staple in the personal growth space. She knows her shit.

Finding the right person (or people if you are lucky) whose goal is to lead you through a self-help journey isn’t easy. I’ve read so many personal growth books by so many different authors, and although I have gained valuable insight, rarely was any of that insight powerful enough for me to feel deep in my soul. I maybe made it through a third of each book. Brené’s work has penetrated my heart and mind in a way that makes positive change actually feel attainable.

I am currently reading her book “Daring Greatly.” She has many books, so I looked at some recommendation lists online to find out which one would be best for me to start with. The list was right. I’m only halfway through, but man, I felt a shift happen within the first few pages. What really got me, and made me know I was on the right path, was that the book title is actually inspired by a speech given by one of my heroes – Theodore Roosevelt! I’m trying to read chapter by chapter so I can allow time for my brain to process and internalize what I’m reading, which is actually hard to do because this is the first self-help book I have ever read that I wanted to continue reading – it’s a page turner.

If you don’t already know, Brené is a shame researcher. Her big focuses are shining light on shame and vulnerability. Which really boils down to doing the hard work of being unapologetically ourselves – because when we can do that – everyone around us is better for it. This journey isn’t easy, especially if you hate being vulnerable – Brené admits she does, and so do I. I’m not even going to try to get into the specifics of her work or guidance – that’s what her book is for. But I will share some of the ways her work has impacted me so far.

Before I begin, I do need to say that yes, I am only halfway through “Daring Greatly” – but I’ve also been taking Brené’s teachings in through her podcast and Netflix special. So in actuality, I’ve heard a wide range of her messages over the past few months. Not that I have to justify myself to continue – but look what I did there. I think I just want to state I’m not an expert on Brené’s work – but I’ve absorbed enough of it to have made fundamental changes in a short amount of time because of it.

The word vulnerability means many things to me as I continue learning about it. Brené says that vulnerability is essentially the same thing as courage – which I agree with one hundred percent. It’s scary for some of us to be vulnerable, so when we take a chance and open up – that’s courage. Truly, we can’t be one without the other. No matter the order they take place in. This is an important connection to make. What vulnerability is NOT is weakness. Have we been taught that it is our entire lives? Most likely. Do we have to continue following this inherited perception of vulnerability? No. We don’t.

Being courageous when it comes to taking up space *authentically* in this world is one primary thing I am working on right now. So many of the conversations and connections I have are based on what I think others want to hear – or – build me up in ways that I think would impress them. Look how smart I am. Look how good I am. All this is really doing is building walls. Even though what I am saying is most likely true and is never, ever meant to make another feel “less than” – it’s the way I deliver it that is the problem. Filtered through lenses of perfection. Which probably doesn’t make people feel connected to me. It makes them intimidated of me. I know this for a fact because I have been told SO MANY times that I am intimidating. Now I know why.

The other piece of this is my anxiety. It’s hard to be yourself when there’s a constant voice in your head overanalyzing your every action. “You’re losing them – tell them something they want to hear.” “You’re boring – it’s too quiet – say something entertaining.” “Remember, you think they think lesser of you because you let them down – tell them what a kind, martyr you are while handing them a casserole.” “You’re nothing if you aren’t putting everyone else around you first – perfectly – not missing a single detail.” “Don’t do that annoying thing you do – you’re so dumb!”

Yeah – as I continue to practice true vulnerability – these voices aren’t something I will miss. When I do hear them, I tell them to shut up. If I can’t be accepted for who I am as I am, then I’m probably hanging with the wrong crowd. It’s none of my business what others think of me. Especially when I remind myself that a lot of what I may be judged on ties back to long-standing, out-of-date, impossible, blanket expectations about what a woman “should be, should do, etc.” Those words can honestly kiss my ass at this point. Thinking about what I “should be/do” has exhausted me my entire life.

In trying to show up more vulnerably (right now, for me this means without every detail planned and talking points thought through, carrying the ability to laugh at myself, and the willingness to share more of myself) I have most certainly felt lighter. It has been nice to be present. And more importantly, able to walk away from an interaction thinking I was “too much” or "not enough" – or stupid or lame or awkward – the list goes on. I feel more like the person I know I can be.

Let me share a few examples of how I’ve recognized change within myself recently.

• Story 1: I am “the voice” on the phone for our clinic. Periodically, we have to re-record with the interpreters to make sure everything is up-to-date. This entails us all in a room, passing the phone around, hoping we’re not the one who messes up. Well, along with a couple of others, I messed up in front of a group of people. In the past, I would have stood there and made excuses for why I messed up, probably shut down, and most definitely stewed over it for a day at least. Telling myself how stupid I was. For messing up one line, one time. Instead, we all had a good laugh over it and I left 1) feeling closer with the people in the room and 2) without thinking about it again – until I told Joel about it – he was so proud of me!
• Story 2: We are going through some tough job things right now – uncertainty lies ahead. This was really weighing on Joel. Instead of shutting down when I saw his stress, anger, and frustration, I gravitated towards him. I was able to hold space for him and what he was feeling and just be there. Showing love and support through touch and words. Putting my worries aside to make sure he felt safe and lifted up made both of us feel better and more connected.

I do realize that the striving can’t and won’t stop just because I’ve seen small successes. Dedication to practicing being vulnerable is vital to a fulfilling life for me. I know this now. I didn’t before. In the short time period I have been working on this area of my life, as I briefly mentioned above, I have already experienced relationships deepening, the ability to be more loving and supportive to those most important to me, and the stability to weather daily stress at work a little better. All of which make me feel happier in general about my life.

For those of you reading this who vulnerability and being yourself comes naturally to, this all probably sounds a bit crazy. “Oh wow, you survived that insignificant moment.” But for me, these are breakthroughs. This is me practicing courage. The little things are big things and the big things are ginormous things for me. Irrational most times, yes. I realize this, yes. That is why I am so happy for these tiny victories and am dedicated to continuing on.

Are you a Brené fan? If you are, have you found any other people like her that you also enjoy learning from? I’m going to explore Glennon Doyle next because it seems that their messages are very aligned and appealing to me!

I’ll preface my upcoming blog posts with this – I apologize for the delay in new content. I can summarize the lag in one word - Coronavirus.

Although I have been extremely active and productive during the cleared calendars COVID-19 created, my motivation to write has been non-existent. Days at work have been long and consume most of my brain power. When I get home, all I want to do is forget the day, so I’ve channeled my anxieties into many, many different physical labor projects around our acreage to tucker myself out completely. I’ll write about my experience during this time after I do some reminiscing and sharing of other stuff that has gone on over the past few months outside of the pandemic.

One thing is for certain – I already miss the ability to travel and am worried we won’t be able to travel safely again for a while…

Because we’re pretty much stuck around our home and family cabin right now (I recognize the privilege in being able to say this) I’ve been daydreaming about trips Joel and I have taken recently along with ones I hope we take as soon as it is OK to do so.

I jumped right on sharing resources we used on our trip to New York City over Christmas. But I never did get around to writing about the trip itself!

Since the moment Joel and I connected, our love for New York City has been one thing (of many) we have in common. I remember sitting across from him the first time we formally got together and lighting up when this topic came into the conversation. We had both been when we were younger and yearned to go back. Ever since then, we’ve dreamed about going to New York City during Christmas to experience the magic. 2019 was the year it came true.

You may be wondering how it was to be gone over the holidays. Intending no offense to our families – we really enjoyed it. Here’s why. Instead of cramming so many commitments into one to two days, the holidays felt much more intentional. We opened up our home and invited our family members over to have one-on-one time with us before we left. For those we couldn’t fit in before the holidays, we spent time with after we got back. This allowed for more sincere connections. It took a lot of the “overwhelmed” feelings out of the season which felt better to both of us. Although we were both dreading telling our families our plans, they all took the news extremely well and were very supportive of us taking the trip.

It took us a bit to fully believe this trip was happening! We had been talking about it for years and planning it for months. Everything was reserved and paid for – the only thing out of our control was December weather in Iowa, but thankfully it cooperated fully. It was an unusually warm and not snowy December.

Our adventure began the moment we got off the plane. In an effort to use as much public transportation as possible to save money, we took a bus to the subway to another bus to get to our Airbnb. With all of our luggage in tow. Nothing screams, “I’m not from around here,” more than that. Luckily, everyone we interacted with was super nice and, while we were eyeballed, we were never hassled. I believe if you can survive this process – you can literally survive ANYTHING.

We absolutely loved our little New Jersey Airbnb located just across the Hudson River from Manhattan. The view was STUNNING. Especially at night. We’re not super picky when it comes to where we stay as long as it is a convenient place for us to land at the end of the day and the price is right. The interior was nothing fancy, but its location was in a safe, quiet area with easy access to the New Jersey Transit bus line (just a few steps from our door) that we took into the city every day. Our host was very nice and a really good communicator.

We tried to map out our days loosely so that we saw what we wanted to see for sure, but with flexibility so that if we needed to rest we could rest. Which when you are walking 20,000 steps per day on average, was needed! I’ve outlined some of the trip highlights below and at the very end a photo slideshow is provided for your viewing pleasure.

December 21 – After we settled in at the AirBnb and walked around the neighborhood a little bit, even with all of the traveling/commuting we had already done, we couldn’t help going into the city! We chose to walk around the Times Square/Rockefeller Center area. We covered A LOT of ground. We saw Times Square and its street performers. The Rockefeller Center tree and skating rink. The NBC studio that hosts SNL. Radio City Music Hall. A charming little Christmas market in Bryant Park. The New York City Library. And the New York Times building. It felt like every corner we turned held a landmark we were shocked to be seeing in real life!

December 22 – We visited the Museum of Modern Art (MoMA). It was delightful. So many famous works of art. I discovered that Picasso and Matisse are two of my favorite artists, which was unexpected. There’s nothing better than being moved by art. It’s one of my favorite feelings. We ended the day with a yummy Italian dinner (BEST I’ve ever had) in the city. On our way through the bus depot to head “home,” I bought and enjoyed my first authentic macaroons!

December 23 – Venturing to the southern tip of the island on the subway, we attempted to go to the Statue of Liberty but the wait was several hours long. We decided to return early the next day. Instead, we ended up going to the 911 Memorial site. It was as moving as we imagined. Very hard to believe the events that occurred. Seeing the names of all who lost their lives made it all real. The memorial is absolutely stunning. The perfect way to honor all those connected to the event. One special thing I learned is that on each person’s birthday, a white rose is placed by their name.

It was about lunchtime when we finished and we were so hungry we didn’t want to waste time wandering around, so we went to Burger King. Why is this significant? It was a two-story Burger King that served you like you were at a sit down restaurant. For some reason this really amused us and I thought it was worth noting! Who knew that was even a thing?

We then made our way to the Upper East Side area and took in all of the beautiful architecture. On a whim, we decided to go to The Metropolitan Museum of Art (The Met). This was one place that was a must for me solely because of their Costume Institute. We visited that area of the museum first, and although you only get to see limited pieces from the Institute, it was breathtaking. Alexander McQueen is one of my all-time favorite designers and I got to see one of his pieces, along with Chanel, and so many other talented designers. I did cry in this exhibit and I’m not ashamed of it!

The Met is truly unbelievable. It is endless. There is so much to see and do and learn. We did our best to take in everything, but if you took your time, you could probably spend two or more days walking around. They have a little bit of everything. We were there when they had a really neat knight exhibit up. One of the most shocking moments is when we entered a room and were eye to eye with the painting Washington Crossing the Delaware! Wow.

This experience was hands down one of our favorite parts. There is just so much history and variety housed in The Met. Everyone can find something that interests and excites them.

It was dark by the time we left so we cut through Central Park (not as scary as depicted in Home Alone), passing the Museum of Natural History and the site where John Lennon was murdered, on the way to our subway. Not surprisingly, this day clocked in at 20,613 steps!

December 24 – This was Statue of Liberty day! Not a shabby way to spend Christmas Eve. (If you ever want to visit the statue, please see my tips about going to NYC so you don’t get swindled.) We visited both Liberty and Ellis Island on our tour. I recommend going to both.

Coming upon the islands riding the packed ferry, shoulder to shoulder with other visitors, you couldn’t help but put yourselves in the shoes of immigrants who arrived at Ellis Island in a very similar way (without the privileges we have, of course). Lady Liberty and the museum just behind her was our first stop. And although seeing her and being so close was moving, visiting Ellis Island was emotional.

If you’ve seen the movie Shutter Island, you will vaguely be able to picture Ellis Island. That’s what it reminded me of. A lot of dilapidated, inaccessible buildings with a museum inside a partially restored main building where all immigrants started their journey back in the day. I felt like the spirits of the immigrants who passed through the building were palpable. It was eerie, but very grounding at the same time. I felt grateful for their strength, determination, and visions for the future.

The educational exhibits were wonderful and we learned so much. The element of our time on the island that added an entirely different layer of meaningfulness is that upon doing research in the museum’s records area, I discovered my great, great grandfather (Dimitr Toneff) and other family members arrived at Ellis Island! So as I walked through each area, I pictured them along the way. I was seeing what they saw. That’s pretty powerful.

This was another big walking day because after we left the Statue of Liberty, we visited Greenwich Village. Definitely my favorite nook in Manhattan. It’s where the artists live, and you get that vibe immediately. Joel had a list of Bob Dylan landmarks to see, so we checked those off the list, ended in Washington Square Park, and called it a day.

December 25 – Christmas Day! Ice skating in Rockefeller Center day! It was surreal waiting in line to ice skate. It was a really beautiful, still day. Warm enough where we were just wearing sweaters and vests. The energy in Rockefeller Center was electric. So much excitement! You are able to purchase a 90 minute skating session. Luckily, we got there just in time so we only had to wait as the session before mine finished.

I’ll tell you this, honestly. It was pure magic and I absolutely loved it. But…I was also terrified and instantly in pain. The moment I launched onto the ice, my body tensed up and I was just focused on not falling. Which is typical I suppose. There are a lot of people watching people skate. I didn’t want to be the one everyone laughed at or God forbid was videotaped as an ice skating fail! I made it around between 3-5 times before quitting. Under 10 minutes total of a 90 minute session. Two successes – I did not fall and I did not grip the wall. I quit while I was ahead.

We spent the rest of the day without a plan. The big department store window displays were nearby so we took a look at those. We hopped on the subway and went to Grand Central Station. Then we went to Central Park. It’s very beautiful and there is a lot of entertainment going on! Talented street performers dancing, singing, playing instruments, making huge bubbles. It was a nice way to experience the area.

Landing in Bryant Park, one of our favorite hubs to stop by, we enjoyed hot chocolate while watching everyone hustle and bustle around us. It was a memorable way to end a very special Christmas Day.

December 26 – This was our last full day in NYC. We took it pretty easy. Joel brought up the idea of going to the Tenement Museum located in the Lower East Side. I bought our tickets online as the bus took us to Manhattan and it was a done deal.

The museum was the perfect addition to the experience we had at the Statue of Liberty. It was focused on immigrants and their lifestyles during peak immigration times. It was so interesting! When you go to this museum, it’s not your typical museum. You choose a “track” to go on. We were able to get tickets for the “Business Owner” track which featured Manhattan immigrant entrepreneurs. The tour included the recreation of an old pub, the living quarters behind the pub, an outline of life living in the tenement building, and information about a family who owned a lingerie business. They had a neat interactive historical activity at the end. You grabbed an item that correlated with different immigrant entrepreneurs (book, stein glass, hat, etc.), put it on your table, and magically a story about them played! Super futuristic.

The Lower East Side has kind of a bad reputation, but we didn’t have any problems. We had authentic New York bagels and schmear at a bakery across the street from the museum and walked around a little bit. Saw the site of what used to be CBGBs, which was cool, and a lot of graffiti.

We did a final wander around Manhattan using the subway (which we were so sad we wouldn’t get to ride anymore) and then headed back to get ready for our flight in the morning. We are strange creatures so we spent our last night at a packed laundromat doing our laundry. We dislike traveling with luggage full of dirty clothes. The night was capped off with a dinner order through Uber Eats!

If you have any questions about traveling to New York/New Jersey, I’d be happy to help! I did a lot of research before going and we learned a lot of good practical tips while we were there.
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As promised, here’s a slideshow of our trip. Thanks for reading if you made it this far and enjoy!

Dreams do come true. This summer Joel and I had the privilege and pleasure of seeing THE ROLLING STONES live at Soldier Field in Chicago. Something I never thought would happen, but am so glad it did!

What did I think, you ask? It was one of the best moments of my life that I was completely present for and absorbed every detail of. It was surreal. I was overcome with emotion, crying through the first couple of songs.
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We showed up pretty early because we had general admission field tickets and wanted to get a good spot. And boy, did we! We were told not to run, so we power walked to the field after getting through security. I knew right where I wanted us to be, so claimed our spot and didn’t move for the rest of the evening. We ended up front and center, just a few rows of seats in front of us. If the stage runway was just a little longer, Mick could have run right up to me!

It was COLD for June and we were there in short sleeved shirts…so the warmth of the crowd was appreciated! You had to be OK getting cozy with those around you because we were elbow to elbow the whole time. There were some nice people around us and it was so fun to be in a stadium PACKED with people who loved the Stones as much as us. Amazing what an impact the band has on so many people.
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The set list was perfect, all hits. Each song was better than the last. Mick was running and dancing around better than I probably could! One of our favorite parts was when the whole band came to the end of the stage runway and played some songs. We could see them better and it felt so intimate. It was hard to catch my breath knowing I was just rows away from some of my musical idols.

We’ve never been to a big concert with that many people and getting out was quite challenging. It was almost the middle of the night and we walked BLOCKS to split away from the (mostly drunk) crowd to get an Uber. So just a heads up – don’t be in a rush and take deep breaths to tolerate the people around you when leaving something like that!
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Although the Stones were the highlight and purpose for our trip, we took advantage of the weekend away and stayed for a few extra days so we could explore new parts of the city (including the suburbs). Our Airbnb was on the south side of the city in a quiet neighborhood with street parking so we were able to drive our car to most places we wanted to go, which saved on Uber costs.

The Airbnb was inexpensive, and I knew it wasn’t anything fancy when I booked it, but I was kind of upset when we arrived because it was very run down. But by the end of the weekend, Joel and I had fallen in love with it and miss it from time to time. It was our little hideaway. Friendly reminder – don’t judge a book by its cover. You have the ability to write your own story. We found the humor in the situation and charm of the place and turned our mindset around!

We really went all over the place while we were out exploring! Drove out to the suburbs, walked downtown in Millennium Park and by the lake, drove back out to the suburbs, ventured into the neighborhood we were staying in. Some favorite parts included eating pancakes every day (our favorite place was the Original Pancake House), seeing the movie Booksmart (carries extremely good messages for women – I loved it), and visiting John Belushi’s childhood home, the Home Alone house, and Barack Obama’s Chicago residence.

Here are just a few photos of our adventures:

No plans, just wandering, was our goal. If we were antsy, we went out. If we were tired, we relaxed. Simple as that! We had a great time away in one of our favorite cities. As we’ve pushed ourselves outside our regular routine when we go there, we’ve really come to love it again. 
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Tell me what your bucket list music concert is! We’ve checked off Paul McCartney, The Rolling Stones, and soon Bob Dylan. With SO MANY other great concerts in between.

While we were away in Arizona, it got even better. We got a call from our realtor that after being on the market for less than a week, our first home (turned rental property after we moved to the acreage) had an offer! We were thrilled, especially because we went over 12 months the first time around with not one single offer.

From there it was full steam ahead getting the house fixed up and cleaned out for the next owner! The new owner was so excited to get into the house and we couldn’t be happier that someone who truly loves the home is making it their own. We are also very relieved we don’t have this expense hanging over our heads anymore.
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It was emotional to let go. I had a pretty tough time, trying to spend as much time there before closing as I could. Appreciating every corner, finish, and flaw for everything it had given us in over 10 years of living there and owning it. First homes are special for so many different reasons, but that house was especially good to us.

Man, it has felt really heavy around here.

Our home has not felt like the sacred, safe space we have strived to create for ourselves. We have allowed a lot of negative energy into our hearts and our home. And it hasn't felt good. It has felt deep. It has felt painful. It has felt unsettling. As I mentioned before, it has felt heavy. So heavy.

I was really starting to feel hopeless. Because instead of choosing to lift ourselves out of it, we both kept spiraling deeper into it. Layering each negative feeling and experience on top of each other to the point where I didn't recognize who we were as individuals and as a team.

I finally got to a point where my body, mind, and heart literally could not take any more. Complete negativity overload. It started to fester, and I became angry. Anger is my least favorite emotion to experience. Because that is not who I want to be.

It all stops TODAY. For both Joel and I. The most wonderful part of our marriage is the open communication we have with each other. We knew the negativity we were experiencing and releasing into our home and onto each others' shoulders was primarily based on struggles we were having with other relationships and current situations in our lives. Instead of continuing to feed into the negativity, we agreed to cancel it out with positivity and rise above it.

He agreed to take part in a little ritual I created to help cleanse ourselves and our home of the loads we've been carrying. Below is what we did, and I have to say, we both felt lighter immediately. I truly hope we can carry this lightness into our week and beyond.

The Sires' Negativity Cleanse Ritual:

• We wrote down what was worrying us on pieces of paper. We did not show each other. When finished, we went outside, burned the papers, and stomped on them!
• We held quartz stones while reading a meditation and an affirmation together.
• We inhaled lavender essential oil. I wanted us to be in a clear, calm state-of-mind.
• Then it was time to smudge our home with sage. We cracked our windows (for the smoke and negative energy to escape), took a feather and a smoking sage smudge stick, smudging ourselves first. Waving the stick side to side from feet to head, front to back of the body. Then we walked around the house, saying, "We cleanse this room of all negative energy and fill it with love." We also smudged the dogs, because, why not?! LOL - Our whole family has been cleansed!
• Finally, we spent a few minutes with our eyes closed, breathing deeply, and I shared some positive words reinforcing the positive momentum we want to put into action.

This may seem a little too "woo woo" for a lot of people, which is totally fine. For us, this ritual was important to acknowledge the overwhelming negativity we knew existed and work through it with each mindful action we took. 

If you are going through something similar, you don't need to do everything or anything we did to feel better. I believe simply acknowledging any heaviness you might be feeling and releasing it with loving intention can also help get rid of icky energy. The key is acknowledgement and choosing to move forward. Don't allow yourself to drown if you can help it. Change your perspective on or remove the person/people or situation causing you to suffer on any level. And even better - don't let the person/people or situation get to you in the first place!

Here is an affirmation for you that is really helping me through this moment:

May I be happy. May I be peaceful. May I be free from suffering.

May they be happy. May they be peaceful. May they be free from suffering.

May all be happy. May all be peaceful. May all be free from suffering.

Remember who you are, what your heart beats for, and don't let anyone or anything from the outside get in the way of that!

Joel and I recently celebrated our NINTH wedding anniversary! We’ve been together almost thirteen years total. I have repeated this fact to myself over and over again the past few days. It seems surreal. Especially since I never thought I’d get married in the first place! But goodness, am I glad I did.

We always take time around our anniversary to stop and reflect. Escaping for a few days to explore, our favorite thing to do together.

This year was one of the best anniversary trips we’ve taken! We traveled around Iowa and Wisconsin over five days, our primary home base being my family’s cabin in Lansing, Iowa.

Before I dive into what we did, I want to tell you how the morning of our vacation started before we left because I think it’s important that some real life gets thrown into this shiny, happy post! We got water in our basement. A LOT of water. The dogs lost their minds at the vet, Madison had to get muzzled. I had a nail in my tire that needed to be fixed before we left. The dogs lost their minds again at home and pushed a glass platter down the stairs, breaking it. Something come up at work that they needed to contact me about. All before noon. After some big breaths and an undying will to continue on as planned, we made it out of the house!
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We started out in Madison, Wisconsin. We both love Madison. Great city. College town. Pretty hip. Lots to do. We didn’t have much time to wander around this time because we were in town to see Jeff Tweedy from Wilco perform at an art museum. I had been to a Wilco show before and Joel is constantly listening to them so I had a good idea of what we were getting into. But wow. What a show. I was in tears several times. Jeff is a king lyricist. And for as serious as his lyrics are, he’s actually a pretty funny guy. Time flew and neither of us wanted it to end!

We had to venture home after staying the night in Madison because Twins had a show in Des Moines. So on our way back we hit up Chris Farley’s childhood home in Madison and then the Field of Dreams in Dyersville! I had never been to either, so it was pretty neat.

The following day we traveled to La Crosse, Wisconsin – our favorite Wisconsin city hands down. We hit up our regular haunts, napped in the park (beyond relaxing), and then ended the day taking a walk with “Mark Twain” as he told us about the Mississippi River. This one man, outdoor play was wonderful. I never realized that Mark Twain was a humorist. For a humorist, he was quite an insightful man. Some of the lines spoken were extremely moving and very relevant in our current political state.
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We finished the trek where three different rivers intersect at the end of the La Crosse river walk. Mark Twain said this is a sign of a sacred space according to Native Americans. We were in a hidden garden. The sun was setting over the water. Ducks were peacefully swimming nearby. I was with Joel. Mark Twain was standing in front of us. A sacred space indeed. 

​On our last day before packing up to go home, we went south into Wisconsin. We checked out some spots just outside of and in Prairie du Chien. We stopped by an apple orchard/pumpkin patch, walking away without any fresh fruit, but with a bag of fresh bakery items instead! Then we ventured into an area that we hadn’t been before, off the beaten path. I’ll let the pictures do the talking but essentially we found a large equipment graveyard. I may have broken a couple of rules and committed a minor crime while we were there, but I made it out without being arrested!

​We were also excited to find an antique shop we hadn’t seen before. If you are in that area and like reasonably priced antiques, check out Checkers Antiques! Nice people, amazing selection, open for 50 years – so they know what’s up.

Overall, it was a very relaxing trip. In between adventures we made sure to reaffirm our commitment to one another, celebrate victories, learn from challenges (like the five in a row we experienced before leaving!), and look into the future.
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I’m lucky for this man and all he brings to my life. We seem to feel happier each year we are together, which I am immensely grateful for. Being by his side is my favorite part of living. We’ve built a simple yet incredible life together that only keeps getting better. Here’s to staying aligned and in love for many more years, J! Glad you’re on my team.

I’ve written recently about “going through instead of around.” This has become my primary mantra for a variety of different reasons.

But you know what? As necessary as it is, going through is TOUGH. My feet have been dragging when I get to the point of having to go through, and because of this, I have a lot of ickiness going on inside. I don’t like it, but I also don’t want to start reflecting out of fear that I’ll hate what I uncover. Along with being tough, going through isn’t always much fun, either.

A lot of my current physical and mental struggles have to do with being way too busy, but not knowing what I can weed out for the personal time I need. Everything seems equally important and the people pleaser in me is out in full force. Social events that I continue to deeply struggle with keep crashing into me, non-stop, forcing me to be “on” all the time (if I can muster the brain energy – sometimes all people get is my physical body in the same space as them, nodding and smiling along). Breathing exercises during car rides to and from commitments are “my time.” And that’s not enough.

My marriage is feeling it. My work is feeling it. My relationships are feeling it.

I need to start going through. UUUGGGHHH! But I don’t want to. But I want to. But I really don’t want to…But I should.

I have a precious five hours to myself one morning this weekend that I’m hoping to take advantage of for a good ol’ self-check-in – reevaluation of my current priorities, and dissection of my physical and mental state. (All while I try to get my garden planted.) I’ve let things go a little too long. I’ve avoided going through one day, one week, one month (or more) too many.
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Life is something, isn’t it? Sometimes no amount of gratitude for what we have can relieve the pressure it puts on us. With or without our permission. 

It’s the journey through that counts. If you can put things into perspective, the trenches are some of the best places to trudge through because that's where the true strength that each and every one of us possess comes out. Takes care of us. Gets us back on track. Maybe even onto a better track that we didn’t even know we were looking for. Bring it on – let’s go through!

We had a pretty nice holiday at the Sires' household. We soaked in the glow of our Christmas tree, watched lots of holiday movies, snuggled in with our pups, and indulged in too many treats!

To balance out the peaceful calm, we threw some chaos of our own making into the mix. As usual, we were the people out shopping for ALL of our gifts the week before (up to the day before) Christmas. Never fails. We never mean to wait so long and we're not unthoughtful people, it has truly just become a laughable tradition of ours. At least we're experiencing the madness together!

This year was a little different for us because some of our normal traditions with family shifted slightly. The shift meant that we had Christmas Eve completely open, no commitments. (!!!) We tried to be intentional about what we chose to do in hopes of creating one or two new traditions that we could carry into the future.

​It was a pretty laid back day. We slept in, rose slowly, had brunch, wrapped the last of our gifts, napped, took a walk, and went to church in the evening. The pace was dreamy. It felt so strange to have such a leisurely day in the middle of the busiest few days of our year, but I think we both welcomed and needed it.

​My absolute favorite part of our Christmas Eve together was our walk. We took a walk around our property, taking time to stop, look around, and breathe in the crisp air. We fell in love with our acreage in the winter, so winter always feels an extra kind of special around here. Our dreams for this place took shape in the quiet, cold, and snowy months before we made it our home.

​This type of reflection as a couple is undoubtedly the best new tradition that sprouted from our extra eight hours together during the holidays. My love for him, who we've become as individuals and as a couple, and the life we've built together has never felt stronger than in those stolen hours.

​I hope you embraced new traditions along with the old this holiday season and were able to be present in both. Wishing you a wonderful holiday and happy new year!

Here are some “family photos” we attempted on Christmas Eve! Attempted being the key word. No amount of treats can persuade our dogs to take a photo!