As I recently shared on my “Wren’s Pick” page, I’ve become a (late to the bandwagon) “disciple” of Brené Brown. There’s a reason she is a staple in the personal growth space. She knows her shit.
Finding the right person (or people if you are lucky) whose goal is to lead you through a self-help journey isn’t easy. I’ve read so many personal growth books by so many different authors, and although I have gained valuable insight, rarely was any of that insight powerful enough for me to feel deep in my soul. I maybe made it through a third of each book. Brené’s work has penetrated my heart and mind in a way that makes positive change actually feel attainable.
I am currently reading her book “Daring Greatly.” She has many books, so I looked at some recommendation lists online to find out which one would be best for me to start with. The list was right. I’m only halfway through, but man, I felt a shift happen within the first few pages. What really got me, and made me know I was on the right path, was that the book title is actually inspired by a speech given by one of my heroes – Theodore Roosevelt! I’m trying to read chapter by chapter so I can allow time for my brain to process and internalize what I’m reading, which is actually hard to do because this is the first self-help book I have ever read that I wanted to continue reading – it’s a page turner.
If you don’t already know, Brené is a shame researcher. Her big focuses are shining light on shame and vulnerability. Which really boils down to doing the hard work of being unapologetically ourselves – because when we can do that – everyone around us is better for it. This journey isn’t easy, especially if you hate being vulnerable – Brené admits she does, and so do I. I’m not even going to try to get into the specifics of her work or guidance – that’s what her book is for. But I will share some of the ways her work has impacted me so far.
Before I begin, I do need to say that yes, I am only halfway through “Daring Greatly” – but I’ve also been taking Brené’s teachings in through her podcast and Netflix special. So in actuality, I’ve heard a wide range of her messages over the past few months. Not that I have to justify myself to continue – but look what I did there. I think I just want to state I’m not an expert on Brené’s work – but I’ve absorbed enough of it to have made fundamental changes in a short amount of time because of it.
The word vulnerability means many things to me as I continue learning about it. Brené says that vulnerability is essentially the same thing as courage – which I agree with one hundred percent. It’s scary for some of us to be vulnerable, so when we take a chance and open up – that’s courage. Truly, we can’t be one without the other. No matter the order they take place in. This is an important connection to make. What vulnerability is NOT is weakness. Have we been taught that it is our entire lives? Most likely. Do we have to continue following this inherited perception of vulnerability? No. We don’t.
Being courageous when it comes to taking up space *authentically* in this world is one primary thing I am working on right now. So many of the conversations and connections I have are based on what I think others want to hear – or – build me up in ways that I think would impress them. Look how smart I am. Look how good I am. All this is really doing is building walls. Even though what I am saying is most likely true and is never, ever meant to make another feel “less than” – it’s the way I deliver it that is the problem. Filtered through lenses of perfection. Which probably doesn’t make people feel connected to me. It makes them intimidated of me. I know this for a fact because I have been told SO MANY times that I am intimidating. Now I know why.
The other piece of this is my anxiety. It’s hard to be yourself when there’s a constant voice in your head overanalyzing your every action. “You’re losing them – tell them something they want to hear.” “You’re boring – it’s too quiet – say something entertaining.” “Remember, you think they think lesser of you because you let them down – tell them what a kind, martyr you are while handing them a casserole.” “You’re nothing if you aren’t putting everyone else around you first – perfectly – not missing a single detail.” “Don’t do that annoying thing you do – you’re so dumb!”
Yeah – as I continue to practice true vulnerability – these voices aren’t something I will miss. When I do hear them, I tell them to shut up. If I can’t be accepted for who I am as I am, then I’m probably hanging with the wrong crowd. It’s none of my business what others think of me. Especially when I remind myself that a lot of what I may be judged on ties back to long-standing, out-of-date, impossible, blanket expectations about what a woman “should be, should do, etc.” Those words can honestly kiss my ass at this point. Thinking about what I “should be/do” has exhausted me my entire life.
In trying to show up more vulnerably (right now, for me this means without every detail planned and talking points thought through, carrying the ability to laugh at myself, and the willingness to share more of myself) I have most certainly felt lighter. It has been nice to be present. And more importantly, able to walk away from an interaction thinking I was “too much” or "not enough" – or stupid or lame or awkward – the list goes on. I feel more like the person I know I can be.
Let me share a few examples of how I’ve recognized change within myself recently.
I do realize that the striving can’t and won’t stop just because I’ve seen small successes. Dedication to practicing being vulnerable is vital to a fulfilling life for me. I know this now. I didn’t before. In the short time period I have been working on this area of my life, as I briefly mentioned above, I have already experienced relationships deepening, the ability to be more loving and supportive to those most important to me, and the stability to weather daily stress at work a little better. All of which make me feel happier in general about my life.
For those of you reading this who vulnerability and being yourself comes naturally to, this all probably sounds a bit crazy. “Oh wow, you survived that insignificant moment.” But for me, these are breakthroughs. This is me practicing courage. The little things are big things and the big things are ginormous things for me. Irrational most times, yes. I realize this, yes. That is why I am so happy for these tiny victories and am dedicated to continuing on.
Are you a Brené fan? If you are, have you found any other people like her that you also enjoy learning from? I’m going to explore Glennon Doyle next because it seems that their messages are very aligned and appealing to me!