Ever since I can remember, I’ve supported the LGBTQ community. I don’t have any memories of a time when I didn’t. It’s probably because I didn’t think about it much until I was exposed to the community in my early 20’s. I know that’s late, but in the very small town I was from, if someone identified as LGBTQ, I may have suspected but it wasn’t a topic that was discussed, probably for several different reasons at that time.
My first real submersion into the community was when I started going to Kings and Queens, an LGBTQ friendly club in downtown Waterloo. From the moment I stepped in the doors I felt welcomed and comfortable. To this day it is still one of my favorite bars. The happiness inside is contagious because you’re surrounded by a bunch of people who feel like they can truly be themselves there. That not only applies to those who identify under LGBTQ, but also to cis gender, “straight” women like me. I felt like it was a safe space.
What made me most joyful was looking around and feeling glad that everyone seemed to be presenting their authentic selves. Outside the doors of that club, who knows what they had to hide, interact with, endure. I wasn’t naïve enough to think that the joy we felt there together followed everyone out into their day-to-day lives.
I was reminded of the hard truths of being part of the LGBTQ community at a training I recently went to for work. It was hosted by OneIowa (please check them out – they are competent powerhouses on this topic). I’ve never listened so intently to a training in my life. I had really been looking forward to it, but the topics covered were so valuable and interesting and heartbreaking all at once. By the end, my heart and mind expanded in ways they haven’t in a long time.
My number one takeaway was how much I take my privilege for granted. Although I am pretty sensitive and empathetic to the struggles I know so many people have to deal with every day, I don’t know if I fully realized how little I don’t have to “struggle.” From day-to-day tasks all the way up to finding and keeping a job. For the most part, it’s smooth sailing compared to what others have to think about and experience.
Here’s an example that seems small but is actually really huge in the long-run. I don’t have to think about where I can go to the restroom. For a non-binary transgender person who does not identify as male or female, not having unisex restroom options causes stress. One of the presenters at the training mentioned how they have to think ahead when taking a road trip, trying to remember or identify rest stops/gas stations they could go to that have unisex restrooms. If they stop at one that doesn’t, they have to consider whether going into the male or female restroom will cause them the least amount of “trouble.” Because if they choose incorrectly, it could cause an uncomfortable situation and potentially negative confrontation from others. It’s happened to this person. Yeah. Just because they were trying to do something as simple as go to the restroom.
Barriers in place for the LGBTQ community only increase from there (depending on the state). There are laws in place in some states that allow people and businesses to discriminate against this group. If a man marries a man and your job finds out – you could get fired. For who you love and what you do in your personal life. Yet another thing, among many, I don’t have to think or worry about. If I want to move out-of-state, I don’t have to look at the laws in place ahead of time that might change the way I’m able to live (or not live) my life.
I hope with more education and advocacy, peoples’ minds will change about this group, and we start seeing more acceptance/compassion/empathy with less barriers.
Here are a few graphics that I think are really helpful in better understanding different sexuality, gender, and orientation spectrums:
In addition to the spectrums shown above, at the training we also got into gender pronouns, which was fascinating and I’m so glad I was educated on the topic. See table below. I think more and more you’ll start seeing and hearing other peoples’ preferred pronouns. Because it’s not just he and she anymore. The trainers realize that it will take time for people to learn how to use these pronouns, and offered some good advice if you use the wrong pronoun with someone. 1) Acknowledge that you used the wrong pronoun; 2) genuinely apologize; 3) tell them you’ll try to do better in the future. Simple as that. Don’t make the LGBTQ person feel guilty because you did not know or forgot. They’re going through enough and are probably misidentified multiple times a day. You were the one in the wrong. Respect their choice of pronoun and move on.
I could literally write about this all day because I’m learning so much, it’s very fascinating to me, and there’s so much to share. But to wrap things up, really what I was reminded of at the training is that seeing and respecting others for who they are is key.
As the world continues to change and people feel more comfortable sharing who they truly are (which I think is beyond wonderful), it is up to us to hold space for all of the different identities and to be advocates for the LGBTQ community. Allowing others to express themselves authentically and use language to describe themselves in an affirming way is something we all deserve.