Man, it has felt really heavy around here.

Our home has not felt like the sacred, safe space we have strived to create for ourselves. We have allowed a lot of negative energy into our hearts and our home. And it hasn't felt good. It has felt deep. It has felt painful. It has felt unsettling. As I mentioned before, it has felt heavy. So heavy.

I was really starting to feel hopeless. Because instead of choosing to lift ourselves out of it, we both kept spiraling deeper into it. Layering each negative feeling and experience on top of each other to the point where I didn't recognize who we were as individuals and as a team.

I finally got to a point where my body, mind, and heart literally could not take any more. Complete negativity overload. It started to fester, and I became angry. Anger is my least favorite emotion to experience. Because that is not who I want to be.

It all stops TODAY. For both Joel and I. The most wonderful part of our marriage is the open communication we have with each other. We knew the negativity we were experiencing and releasing into our home and onto each others' shoulders was primarily based on struggles we were having with other relationships and current situations in our lives. Instead of continuing to feed into the negativity, we agreed to cancel it out with positivity and rise above it.

He agreed to take part in a little ritual I created to help cleanse ourselves and our home of the loads we've been carrying. Below is what we did, and I have to say, we both felt lighter immediately. I truly hope we can carry this lightness into our week and beyond.

The Sires' Negativity Cleanse Ritual:

• We wrote down what was worrying us on pieces of paper. We did not show each other. When finished, we went outside, burned the papers, and stomped on them!
• We held quartz stones while reading a meditation and an affirmation together.
• We inhaled lavender essential oil. I wanted us to be in a clear, calm state-of-mind.
• Then it was time to smudge our home with sage. We cracked our windows (for the smoke and negative energy to escape), took a feather and a smoking sage smudge stick, smudging ourselves first. Waving the stick side to side from feet to head, front to back of the body. Then we walked around the house, saying, "We cleanse this room of all negative energy and fill it with love." We also smudged the dogs, because, why not?! LOL - Our whole family has been cleansed!
• Finally, we spent a few minutes with our eyes closed, breathing deeply, and I shared some positive words reinforcing the positive momentum we want to put into action.

This may seem a little too "woo woo" for a lot of people, which is totally fine. For us, this ritual was important to acknowledge the overwhelming negativity we knew existed and work through it with each mindful action we took. 

If you are going through something similar, you don't need to do everything or anything we did to feel better. I believe simply acknowledging any heaviness you might be feeling and releasing it with loving intention can also help get rid of icky energy. The key is acknowledgement and choosing to move forward. Don't allow yourself to drown if you can help it. Change your perspective on or remove the person/people or situation causing you to suffer on any level. And even better - don't let the person/people or situation get to you in the first place!

Here is an affirmation for you that is really helping me through this moment:

May I be happy. May I be peaceful. May I be free from suffering.

May they be happy. May they be peaceful. May they be free from suffering.

May all be happy. May all be peaceful. May all be free from suffering.

Remember who you are, what your heart beats for, and don't let anyone or anything from the outside get in the way of that!

 As I was soaking in bath number three of the week (increased stress = more baths) and having a pity party of one as the flame of a candle illuminated my mason jar glass of pink wine on the edge of the tub, a single word broke through the madness, humbling me almost instantly. Home. 

How lucky am I to have a home? To have a retreat. A bath tub I can drown my sorrows in after a bad day. A water heater to warm the water. Epsom salts to ease my aching body. Essential oils to ease my aching mind. A dog sitting dutifully just outside the bathroom door, on guard to protect me from anything that could put me in danger. A loving husband singing in the kitchen as he makes us dinner. Cooking food we are fortunate enough to have cupboards full of. Shielded from the elements by a house that is ours. That is warm. And dry. And safe.

I was grounded more and more as I thought about each piece of our life. From minute to major. We don’t have a lot by some peoples’ standards, but goodness, I feel like we have it all a lot of the time. Especially when I break everything down. To have our basic needs met is a blessing on its own. To have experiences and things we want is just the cherry on top.

There are a lot of people locally, even if you choose not to see or believe it, that don’t have a home and everything a home can bring. Or if they do, it might not feel like a refuge. Or be warm, or dry, or safe. Going to sleep with no blankets, empty stomachs, and little hope for tomorrow.

My challenge to you this holiday season (and throughout the upcoming new year) has two parts:

1. Appreciate what you have. Especially the simple things you often take for granted. From the basic necessities to the dreams that have come true for you. Break your life down. Savor each experience, thing, and feeling. Let the good overshadow the bad in your life and in the world, if only just for a moment.
2. Pay-it-forward. Use your feelings of gratitude as fuel to spread joy to others. Open up your heart and home. Give to those who don’t have a place or belongings to call their own. Support those who need help building a home that is a safe and comforting space to fall back on when they feel like they have nothing else to hold on to.

Even if you don't have a lot to give, the smallest gestures of kindness can make a huge impact. You don't have to offer money or physical items. Look for ways to make people feel seen. Drop the word “stranger” from your vocabulary. We’re all in this together. Contribute to the comfort of those around you. Let the light from your heart make someone feel at home, feel at ease, just by being with you, even if it's a brief encounter. That moment matters. Especially to someone who needed someone like you in that moment.

If you are looking to support an organization that tirelessly helps others, we highly encourage The Salvation Army. I tell you why we love this organization in this post. This year marks the fifth year we have rang bells for the Red Kettle Campaign and we are looking for ways to do even more with this wonderful charity to support the people in our community who need to be lifted up. 

The Thanksgiving and Christmas holiday season has become a time of year I dread. This year I am having an especially hard time. I literally feel like the Grinch – which is so unlike me! Unfortunately, my mental illnesses have a grip on me this time around that no amount of meditation, yoga, baths, water, or wine has been able to remedy.

With so many commitments, the days fly by. Personally, this makes the time we spend with others feel less authentic and more like we’re just going through the motions in a valiant attempt to make everyone happy. Always watching the clock for the next place we need to be. Small talk. Eat. Small talk. Games. Next event. Repeat. Sound familiar? Not necessarily my style. Certainly not a series of events that is good for my mental health when I’m running on empty.

Some years I have the strength for this routine with a genuine smile on my face and in my heart. But to be candidly honest, this year is not one of them. My Advent Calendar is counting down the days until all of this is OVER, versus a countdown in anticipation of the magic of Christmas. With so many large group interactions on the calendar (my worst nightmare) paired with an already depressed outlook over the next few weeks I can feel my brain joyously preparing to overanalyze and vilify each moment, making me the bad guy in every situation. If this doesn’t happen to you, trust me, it’s the absolute worst and is only amplified by the weight of the holidays.

For me, getting through this period will require taking one day, one event, at a time. Attempting to be kind to myself following interactions that I have major anxiety about and reminding myself to be realistic about them along the way. I’m holding on to the hope that if I continue to come from a place of kindness with no intentional malice (it’s none of my business if someone reads it that way), no matter what I say or do should be OK. I’ll just have to show up as I can and give what I can. Which doesn’t feel like a lot at this point!

I wanted to share my experience with you before the holidays because I hope that it encourages a sense of empathy within you towards those in your life who have a known mental illness or are simply acting a little “off” this holiday season. We all carry a certain level of stress during this season, but for someone with a mental illness, that stress can trigger feelings that send them spiraling into a blinding black hole. <Slowly raises hand.>

Sometimes you can seemingly “have everything to be thankful for,” but when you are dealing with mental illness, gratitude for what you have can be hard to feel and express. Being surrounded by lots of family can be suffocating. Simple interactions can feel too heavy. A lot going on, in general and in the moment, can completely drain someone.

Here are a few things I’d love for you to keep in mind this holiday season as you spend time with family and friends who may have a mental illness:

• Warm hugs are nice.
• Make a special effort to make them feel comfortable, loved, and included.
• Avoid making them the center of attention. (Having the spotlight shined on me is the worst possible thing for my anxiety.)
• If they show up late or leave early, don’t take it personally. This is so important. They gave you what they could.
• If they don’t show up, don’t take it personally. This is just as important as the point above. The reason they aren’t there most likely has absolutely nothing to do with you. What you should do is reach out. Not in a “wish you would have been here” way, but in an “I love you, let me know if you need anything” sort of way. Maybe ask if you can stop by with leftovers or if you can get together after the holidays to keep the person from isolating themselves.

​Although my view of the holidays may be through tainted lenses right now, believe me when I say I do truly hope you all have a wonderful holiday season that fills your heart with happiness and joy!

One of the best things I've done for myself in this stage of my life is sign-up for the Master Gardener course through the Iowa State University Extension  & Outreach Office in Black Hawk County.

Plug the word "garden" into the search bar of my blog and you will find that gardening has become a huge passion of mine. It has always been an interest, but until I had the space of our acreage, I didn't have a chance to explore it fully.

I wanted to start the Master Gardener journey now versus later (most members are 50+) because I thought having a formal education about gardening would benefit me tremendously as I continue to expand our little farm. Having "book knowledge" to combine with my practical knowledge and apply to my future experiences will be wonderful.

When signing up, I did not know what I was getting myself into. After taking the required pre-assessment before classes started, I REALLY didn't know what I was getting myself into. Essentially, the pre-assessment taught me that I knew NOTHING about gardening. I was a complete rookie. Which was humbling, motivating me even more to do well in this course.

Our classes were primarily in the classroom, watching educational video presentations by experts from Iowa State University. Sprinkled in were a few live classes ranging from private gardens of Master Gardeners to established greenhouses. Those classes were my favorite because hands-on experiences are the what my brain absorbs best. These trips were also the most inspiring to me, seeing how others were applying their knowledge about gardening in so many different ways.

Our trainings all led up to a hands-on class on the Iowa State University campus. Over 300 Master Gardener trainees from across the state came together to learn and share their knowledge. It was amazing! I got to know the people in the Black Hawk County group better (funny how we never talked in class but when put into a new situation we were inseparable!) which was very nice.

I loved every minute of the on-campus training. The dots started to connect for me when we were able to apply what we learned in a variety of different labs.

My favorite labs were Botany:

And surprisingly, Entomology:

I also really enjoyed Plant Pathology, identifying diseases in plants. I didn't snap a photo of that because we had to circulate through 10 stations really fast!

Overall, the experience was even better than I expected. It was nice to be with like-minded people who daydreamed about their gardens as much as I do.

I passed my post-assessment (WOO-HOO!):

So what this means is that I am now an official Master Gardener Intern. I'll complete 40 hours of volunteering and 10 hours of continuing education in 2019. In January of 2020 I'll officially be a Master Gardener. It will definitely be worth the work and the wait.

I will be honored to hold the title and share what I learn with others. I can already tell this is the beginning of a fulfilling journey! My heart feels full. Like I'm doing something I'm meant to do. And that's nice. 

Hit me with your plant questions, I'd love to help you (probably learning a thing or two myself while I'm at it)!

Joel and I recently celebrated our NINTH wedding anniversary! We’ve been together almost thirteen years total. I have repeated this fact to myself over and over again the past few days. It seems surreal. Especially since I never thought I’d get married in the first place! But goodness, am I glad I did.

We always take time around our anniversary to stop and reflect. Escaping for a few days to explore, our favorite thing to do together.

This year was one of the best anniversary trips we’ve taken! We traveled around Iowa and Wisconsin over five days, our primary home base being my family’s cabin in Lansing, Iowa.

Before I dive into what we did, I want to tell you how the morning of our vacation started before we left because I think it’s important that some real life gets thrown into this shiny, happy post! We got water in our basement. A LOT of water. The dogs lost their minds at the vet, Madison had to get muzzled. I had a nail in my tire that needed to be fixed before we left. The dogs lost their minds again at home and pushed a glass platter down the stairs, breaking it. Something come up at work that they needed to contact me about. All before noon. After some big breaths and an undying will to continue on as planned, we made it out of the house!
​
We started out in Madison, Wisconsin. We both love Madison. Great city. College town. Pretty hip. Lots to do. We didn’t have much time to wander around this time because we were in town to see Jeff Tweedy from Wilco perform at an art museum. I had been to a Wilco show before and Joel is constantly listening to them so I had a good idea of what we were getting into. But wow. What a show. I was in tears several times. Jeff is a king lyricist. And for as serious as his lyrics are, he’s actually a pretty funny guy. Time flew and neither of us wanted it to end!

We had to venture home after staying the night in Madison because Twins had a show in Des Moines. So on our way back we hit up Chris Farley’s childhood home in Madison and then the Field of Dreams in Dyersville! I had never been to either, so it was pretty neat.

The following day we traveled to La Crosse, Wisconsin – our favorite Wisconsin city hands down. We hit up our regular haunts, napped in the park (beyond relaxing), and then ended the day taking a walk with “Mark Twain” as he told us about the Mississippi River. This one man, outdoor play was wonderful. I never realized that Mark Twain was a humorist. For a humorist, he was quite an insightful man. Some of the lines spoken were extremely moving and very relevant in our current political state.
​
We finished the trek where three different rivers intersect at the end of the La Crosse river walk. Mark Twain said this is a sign of a sacred space according to Native Americans. We were in a hidden garden. The sun was setting over the water. Ducks were peacefully swimming nearby. I was with Joel. Mark Twain was standing in front of us. A sacred space indeed. 

​On our last day before packing up to go home, we went south into Wisconsin. We checked out some spots just outside of and in Prairie du Chien. We stopped by an apple orchard/pumpkin patch, walking away without any fresh fruit, but with a bag of fresh bakery items instead! Then we ventured into an area that we hadn’t been before, off the beaten path. I’ll let the pictures do the talking but essentially we found a large equipment graveyard. I may have broken a couple of rules and committed a minor crime while we were there, but I made it out without being arrested!

​We were also excited to find an antique shop we hadn’t seen before. If you are in that area and like reasonably priced antiques, check out Checkers Antiques! Nice people, amazing selection, open for 50 years – so they know what’s up.

Overall, it was a very relaxing trip. In between adventures we made sure to reaffirm our commitment to one another, celebrate victories, learn from challenges (like the five in a row we experienced before leaving!), and look into the future.
​
I’m lucky for this man and all he brings to my life. We seem to feel happier each year we are together, which I am immensely grateful for. Being by his side is my favorite part of living. We’ve built a simple yet incredible life together that only keeps getting better. Here’s to staying aligned and in love for many more years, J! Glad you’re on my team.

I can’t get hate off my mind.

I’m really trying to understand it – and the people that feel it so deeply that they think, talk about, or actually hurt others because of it.

We just went to see the movie BlacKkKlansman and I was MOVED. I was sobbing by the end. My soul was shook. I wanted to write this post right away, but thought in doing that, I may say something I regretted. I was deeply hurt about those out there that have had to, and still do, deal with unfathomable hate cast towards them. For doing nothing but existing. Again, for doing NOTHING but existing.

I’ve never experienced this (that I am aware of), and for that, I am beyond grateful. I can’t even imagine what it feels like to be talked down to, treated poorly, and possibly threatened simply because I was who I was. Because of the color of my skin. Because of the religion I followed. Beliefs I carried. Sexual orientation. Groups I was associated with. The list goes on and on.

I started to think a lot about my views about others. And although I don’t carry the extreme hate in my heart those I’ve been alluding to do, I am human, and it creeps in from time to time. Sometimes it is the easiest reaction to have because by responding with hate, we are pushing away. We are putting our hands up trying to protect ourselves or hidden parts of ourselves that are reacting negatively to the person, place, or thing at hand. I think hate comes from a place of insecurity and uncertainty. There is something about whatever hate is being thrown at that is poking something deep down inside of a person, and from there it is fight or flight. Unfortunately, hate favors both.

Another thing that came to mind is how am I fostering hate? The answer was easy. By staying silent. By allowing others to put a group of people down and deciding it will just be easier to say nothing than start an argument. But you know what? There doesn’t have to be an argument. I can simply say, “I’d prefer if you didn’t talk about this with me.” Or “This conversation makes me uncomfortable and I’d rather not engage.” If you don’t have the energy to talk through it, shut it down. By staying silent, I’m allowing the hate to go on. Even by simply interrupting the conversation, I may prompt the other person to think about what they are saying, question their own views, and reflect on the “why” tied to their feelings.

I’d love to talk to people out there that passionately “hate” one or more groups of people. I would first ask them, “Why do you hate them?” I feel like in many cases, there would be stumbling over words that sound a lot like whatever B.S. they were fed by their parents, grandparents, friends, etc. over time. Learned behavior. Peer pressure. I would then ask, “What did they do to you to make you feel this way?” I feel that a small number would respond with an experience involving the “hated” group or groups doing something directly to them. Again, again – hate felt towards others for doing NOTHING but existing.

It just isn’t fair. It breaks my heart. It makes me feel terrible for the people on the receiving end. It even makes me feel sorry for the ones carrying the hate, because it can’t be pleasant. I can only imagine what GOOD they could do with all of the time and energy spent thinking about, taking action towards, even building organizations around, the groups they hate.
​
I think I’ve said it before, we’re all just human beings doing our best to get through this life. None of us are perfect or “better than.” We are all on different tracks. Let’s make the moments when our tracks intersect be worthwhile. Smile. Say, “Hello.” Make others feel seen. Time spent sitting with hate is time wasted.

I just ran across this video and wanted to share it here as it goes along with where my mind was at with this post. This is Beto O’Rourke who is running for the Senate in Texas:

I’m giving the project addict in me a tiny bit of a break for the rest of the Summer.

We resumed outdoor projects on our acreage the moment the weather felt the slightest bit like Spring this year. Since then, we’ve been busting our butts in the limited spare time we have had to continue our progress on fixing up our almost 100-year-old home. And you know what? We’re tired. Our minds and bodies and budget need a break. So we’re taking it!

As we’ve slowed our pace a bit, we’ve actually been able to step back and appreciate all that we have done in a little over two years. I wanted to share some of our outdoor progress with you in the form of some before and after shots!

Front Porch

 Around the House Paint & Landscaping

Hope you enjoyed a little look into the work we’ve been doing! I think I’ll pull together a post that shows before and afters of the interior of our home as well, since that has evolved so much in two years as well. And even though I said we’re taking a break…I have a few DIY projects that I want to complete and share soon.
​
Have a wonderful and relaxing rest of the Summer!

Becoming a gardener has been one of the most rewarding hobbies I’ve ever stumbled upon.

Flowers have always been my favorite. I worked really hard in the yard and flower beds of our first home to establish landscaping that made me smile each time I was outside (while adding charm to the exterior of course). When we moved to our second, and potentially forever, home on two acres of land my head started swimming with ideas of what I could do with so much space.

In a little over two years’ time, my plants have been the best teachers. As I’ve sweated over landscaping around the entire house, planted a huge vegetable and wildflower garden, and made plans to fill in spots begging for the chance to host perennials – nature has spoken to me.

There is so much to learn from the simplicity of the outdoors. It exists. If you allow it the basic necessities to live – off it goes. No pomp and circumstance. In its own time and at its own pace, it grows.

I spent a few hours in my vegetable and wild flower garden last night since I haven’t been able to be as hands on with it as I was last year. I was missing it. And you know what I realized? Even though I wasn’t there to pluck every single weed, prune every little tomato shoot, or thoroughly water every one of the plants – there they were – growing stronger before my eyes. The control freak inside of me softened. There were weeds, the tomato plants were out of control, and it could have used a watering – but it was my garden and my tiny seedlings were well on their way to bearing their fruit without any handholding from me.
​
In their own time, they will bloom.

And sometimes…they won’t. Enter – the humbling part of being a gardener.

I tried starting seedlings this year. I was off to a great start – everything was sprouting. And then it wasn’t. I tried more water and less water. Airing them out. Time outside. Every combination I could think of. Unfortunately, only six green bean seedlings were the sole survivors out of 54 pods of seedlings. The seedlings that once showed promise shriveled away and the egg shells I started them in were worked into the dirt around the seedlings I was forced to buy. Ouch. My mighty green thumb wasn’t as mighty after all. Turns out I’m not naturally good at everything. Sometimes, even if you use all of your charm and try all you can, you fail. Fall right down on your face. Into a pile of dried up seedlings.

In addition to pride, humility, and more patience – my plants have given me a feeling of purpose and contentment.

If you have read my blog, you know I’m my worst critic. I beat myself up a lot. But since becoming a gardener, especially at our new home, one of the most comforting things I can say to myself is, “You may not be good at everything. You might not do everything perfectly. But you are good at something. And after you’re done with X, Y, Z – you can come back here, to your garden, and you’ll be OK.”

​Having something in my life that makes me feel that way is truly priceless. I suppose you could say I’ve found my happy place in the garden. The place you can close your eyes and visualize and smile about.

I hope you’ve found your happy place, too. And if you haven’t – take time to reflect on what makes you feel and keeps you grounded. Run towards it. Throw everything you’ve got into it. I promise the lessons it teaches you along the way will be worth it.

I’ve written recently about “going through instead of around.” This has become my primary mantra for a variety of different reasons.

But you know what? As necessary as it is, going through is TOUGH. My feet have been dragging when I get to the point of having to go through, and because of this, I have a lot of ickiness going on inside. I don’t like it, but I also don’t want to start reflecting out of fear that I’ll hate what I uncover. Along with being tough, going through isn’t always much fun, either.

A lot of my current physical and mental struggles have to do with being way too busy, but not knowing what I can weed out for the personal time I need. Everything seems equally important and the people pleaser in me is out in full force. Social events that I continue to deeply struggle with keep crashing into me, non-stop, forcing me to be “on” all the time (if I can muster the brain energy – sometimes all people get is my physical body in the same space as them, nodding and smiling along). Breathing exercises during car rides to and from commitments are “my time.” And that’s not enough.

My marriage is feeling it. My work is feeling it. My relationships are feeling it.

I need to start going through. UUUGGGHHH! But I don’t want to. But I want to. But I really don’t want to…But I should.

I have a precious five hours to myself one morning this weekend that I’m hoping to take advantage of for a good ol’ self-check-in – reevaluation of my current priorities, and dissection of my physical and mental state. (All while I try to get my garden planted.) I’ve let things go a little too long. I’ve avoided going through one day, one week, one month (or more) too many.
​
Life is something, isn’t it? Sometimes no amount of gratitude for what we have can relieve the pressure it puts on us. With or without our permission. 

It’s the journey through that counts. If you can put things into perspective, the trenches are some of the best places to trudge through because that's where the true strength that each and every one of us possess comes out. Takes care of us. Gets us back on track. Maybe even onto a better track that we didn’t even know we were looking for. Bring it on – let’s go through!