This is 33

I recently turned 33. I'd love to share an upbeat story about what a beautiful day I had and how wonderful I felt, but that would be a lie. I spent the first day of my 33rd year in the midst of a swirling mix of emotions. Mostly anxiety, some sadness, with an undercurrent of feeling special and overwhelmingly grateful. I cried. Hard. One of those deep down cries that catches you off guard and ends up being a welcome release of emotion.

​I couldn't put my feelings into words. I'm not normally a person who is bothered by birthdays. I actually look forward to them as times for reflection, looking back and setting personal goals for the future. Wanting to be a better version of myself year after year. But this year was different. I'm hoping for good reason.

​Over the past few months I have felt a major shift inside myself. I've been faced with messages of overcoming fears, embracing change, the importance of connection, of showing up. All things I'm admittedly not very good at. Actually, I would identify all of these things as my top weaknesses. But over and over again, I'm hit with truths about how in order to live in a full and authentic way I should embrace these things. And I believe this is true.

There will always be characteristics about ourselves that will be hard to face, but need to be faced in order to grow.

​I don't want to make any declarations about what I'd like to see from myself over the next year, but I do have some thoughts:

1. ​To address my fears - Inspired by Shonda Rhimes and her "Year of Yes," I will say "Yes" more. Especially to things that scare me, which at this point, is a lot of things. One of the most impactful lines she shared in her book is, "Losing yourself does not happen all at once. Losing yourself happens one no at a time." I was in tears over this because my depression and anxiety have forced "No" to be my immediate response and comfort zone. "No" has changed me and my life and makes me really sad to think about. But I recognize this and can change this.
2. To embrace change - I think this entire year has put this at the forefront of my mind and has challenged me so, so much. Although I've faced some changes head on with a found calmness and patience I didn't know I had, other changes have forced me to run. To hide. To create other changes to escape the changes coming towards me. But I suppose that's part of the game. The challenge I have for myself, by using the mentality mentioned above, is to walk through all change without dodging it. Feeling it without knowing the end result. Trusting that when I come out on the other side, either way I'll have learned something of value.
3. Finally, to connect - Oh, to connect. The thing I long for the most, but run from the fastest. I get so inside my head when trying to connect and focus so much on how I'm being perceived that even if I make a genuine connection, I probably overlooked it because I was so focused on myself. I also find it hard to connect because of saying "No." I can muster the strength to show up only after being provided sufficient notification and the perfect cocktail of personal pep talks. It takes all I have sometimes. And it's tiring for it to be that hard every. single. time. So to remedy this, again, my next steps point back to my first thought - saying "Yes." Even if I'm scared of how I'll be perceived. Even if my fight or flight instincts are telling me to run for the hills. Even if I don't know 100% what I'm walking into. I have to start saying "Yes" to connect.

​Whew. That was much more of a download than I was expecting.

​Even though I recognize there's still work to do - I also have to appreciate the good things that have occurred within me this past year. Limitless patience, recognizing the impact and power of my reactions and words, finding outlets for my anxiety, being present, finding the best in everyone and leading with the positive when referring to them, showing love without expecting love back. Good things. Good strides. Good vibes.

​Two things in closing:

The first - I felt so very loved on my birthday due to the calls, texts, messages and hugs I received from my friends and family, both near and far. I also got some of the most thoughtful gifts I've ever gotten - which made me cry even harder.

​And second - I've covered a lot in this post, but I feel the quote below best captures who I think I am at this time in my life. This is my 33.