I’ve been feeling a little exhausted by personal development lately. I read the books, the quotes, the encouraging posts every day. I reflect, I practice, I preach as often as I can. I celebrate victories and try learning from setbacks. Yada, yada.
Like many others, I’m always working towards the “best version of myself.” That’s the whole point of personal development, right? But I never feel like I get there. And I beat myself up for that. I tell myself that “next time will be better.”
But what if it’s not? How can I come to terms with that?
I’m really struggling to find a balance between who I am now and the “better” me. I can’t seem to make myself believe that I am loved as I am now, before the “better.” And if I continue to think that way, I fear that I’ll never truly internalize the love I KNOW I am SURROUNDED by. Taking it for granted in a way, which is something I am terrified of.
My personal development is, and I feel always will be, quite a roller coaster. When my anxiety and depression subside, I excel. Connections are made, joy is felt, creativity radiates. When they appear, they take me down. Negative self-talk creeps in, isolation is in full force, physically I run on empty. One step forward, two steps back. A painful dance I’ve been forced to learn the steps to.
In either state, I leave interactions and experiences saying to myself, “Next time will be better.” Every single time.I feel that if I tripped over my words, acted awkwardly, didn’t say or do the right thing – I’ve lost any love that existed in that moment. Without fail. Like the love that was present before or in that moment disappeared the moment I felt I wasn’t “better.” For a woman who preaches presence and joy in the moment, this isn’t a very healthy way to think.
The quote I shared at the top of this post really got me thinking. I have to reach a point where “better” isn’t always a factor. I can be who I am – WITH SO MANY IMPERFECTIONS – and still feel worthy of being loved in that moment and beyond. Good day, bad day – loved for it. Gold star performance, F grade performance – loved for it. Internalize that I am loved for who I am, not who I think I should be. Which for some reason I think would be a more loveable person?
I’ll close with this. When we feel that we could be/need to be better – that’s great, it drives us forward towards being good human beings – but don’t get distracted by only looking forward/waiting for next time. Take time to be present and think about this: “I remember the days I used to dream about what I have now.” We are a version of our “better” every day. It may not feel like it, but if that’s what we’ve been working towards, then there has to be a bit (or all) of it that exists in who we are in this present moment.