I'm having an issue overcoming. A real issue overcoming. The past few weeks have been challenging. At work and at home. Which is the worst because there hasn't been a place to land where I've felt 100% comfortable, safe or content.
A lot of the challenges that I am experiencing have lived within my mind. Internal dialogue that is completely toxic. To the point where I've wished I could pull my brain out and punch it because I was so over everything it was producing without my consent. I've been in a fight with my mind. Trying to protect myself...from myself.
The negative back and forth has revolved around the personal deficiencies I've always believed I have. An inability to interact with others without making a complete ass of myself. Coming off as "dumb" (my biggest worry of all). Being unlovable. The list goes on.
All of this is amplified by external factors - stress, back-to-back commitments, a resurgence of mice in our house. (I know, EWWWW!)
It's been a lot. A lot that I haven't been able to overcome, which has caused explosive frustration, anger, sadness and anxiety. All stemming, ultimately, from what I think about myself and an inability to deal with that.
I know I'm not alone in this. I know there are others out there that suffer through this same struggle. But when does it end? Does it have an end? I'm tired of being mean to myself.
That's about all I have energy to write about right now. I felt like maybe airing this out in the open would help. I feel like it already has. But in the background as I type, the other side my brain is still working out a plan for what's next. The overcoming part of this whole situation.
I know I can do it. But this has been quite the test. I hope in the end this becomes a milestone marking personal progress and growth - not a wound that I patch for now only for it to come back later. Wish me luck.