Overcoming

I'm having an issue overcoming. A real issue overcoming. The past few weeks have been challenging. At work and at home. Which is the worst because there hasn't been a place to land where I've felt 100% comfortable, safe or content.

A lot of the challenges that I am experiencing have lived within my mind. Internal dialogue that is completely toxic. To the point where I've wished I could pull my brain out and punch it because I was so over everything it was producing without my consent. I've been in a fight with my mind. Trying to protect myself...from myself.

​The negative back and forth has revolved around the personal deficiencies  I've always believed I have. An inability to interact with others without making a complete ass of myself. Coming off as "dumb" (my biggest worry of all). Being unlovable. The list goes on.

​All of this is amplified by external factors - stress, back-to-back commitments, a resurgence of mice in our house. (I know, EWWWW!)​

​​It's been a lot. A lot that I haven't been able to overcome, which has caused explosive frustration, anger, sadness and anxiety. All stemming, ultimately, from what I think about myself and an inability to deal with that.

​I know I'm not alone in this. I know there are others out there that suffer through this same struggle. But when does it end? Does it have an end? I'm tired of being mean to myself.

​That's about all I have energy to write about right now. I felt like maybe airing this out in the open would help. I feel like it already has. But in the background as I type, the other side my brain is still working out a plan for what's next. The overcoming part of this whole situation.

​I know I can do it. But this has been quite the test. I hope in the end this becomes a milestone marking personal progress and growth - not a wound that I patch for now only for it to come back later. Wish me luck.