I'm a natural leader who has no desire whatsoever to be a leader. Does this sound familiar to you? Tell me I'm not alone.
I've been looked to as a leader all my life. If no one else is stepping up, I will. It's a sickness, really. I can't help myself. Need a President of a council? You got it. Chair of an event? I'm there. Group leader for a project? My spreadsheet is already laid out. It just happens. Over and over again. But the craziest thing about it is that I don't want to be doing it at all! Playing the leader is something I accept as my fate, not something I seek out. And I get mad at myself about that. I've been given the tools to be a leader. Somewhere in my DNA a leadership gene is embedded in me. There are people out there who would love that type of gift and here I am wanting to drop it from my hands like a hot potato. To me, it feels less like a gift and more like a curse. I'm happy as a worker bee, flying under the radar, with little weight tied to the tasks I accomplish. I'm not a negotiator or a presenter or a manager of people. I'm a writer and a designer and a manager of projects. There's no ladder to climb in my 10-year plan. I think that's what bugs me the most about being seen as a leader and not wanting to be one. I'm happy here. As I am. But others see potential in me. They tell me over and over again that I could do it...and that's when I dig my heels in, "yank my hand back," and remind myself that even though I can do it - doesn't mean I have to or should. To me, it's not worth it. The extra work, planning, dealing with drama, ANXIETY, etc. Not interested. Dealing with this "issue" has been a continued learning experience for me. But as of late, I've been paying more and more attention to it, trying to figure out how to move forward. In most cases, I land on:
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I tear up every single time I read this quote. This is what centering ourselves is all about. We should perform this action not once, but multiple times daily. Constant recentering.
There have been many moments over time when I have asked myself, "How did I get here?" It has felt like I arrived at a particular point in my life without a conscious thought about it. Like I was asleep during the days, months, years that led up to that moment. When I catch myself thinking this way, I say to myself, "I need to take control. I can't let life get in the way, going through the motions - doing things to avoid conflict, defaulting to what I think I should be doing at this point in my life." But then my days continue as they always do. Full speed ahead. Making decisions on the fly minute by minute to ensure at the very least my basic needs are being met and I am pointing myself in a direction that is moving toward a state of contentment. I recently wrote about "following our path." I think in order to do that, the message I'm writing about right now is so very important. It takes strength and persistence and constant recentering to ensure you are staying true to your authentic self. Listening to that inner voice. Avoiding arrival in a moment a year from now wondering how the heck you got there. I'd love for you to think about this concept and the areas of your life where you can (or should) yank your hand back to remind yourself of what's important - the path you intentionally want to follow. I'm making it my goal to think hard about this over the weekend and keep this quote in mind as I begin next week. Taking a deep breath and smiling as I literally put my hand on my heart to remind myself who I am, and who I want to be. I have a love/hate relationship with social media. I've removed myself from it (RIP Facebook and Twitter accounts). I've stayed in step with it (Hi Instagram and Snapchat accounts). And amid all of this, I've constantly struggled to figure out its relevance and value in my life, fearing that it is a necessary evil I can't fully pull away from.
My mind has gone a lot of different places regarding social media and its role in all of our lives (except for my dad's and grandma's - bless them for staying out of it), but today I want to write about the tricks we let social media play on us. Our social media accounts are a reflection of our "personal brand." Carefully crafted (whether we realize it or not) profiles that present "who we are" to the world. We endorse what we like, criticize what we don't. Show all that is good, with a little bit of the bad (immediately followed by all that is good - can't show major cracks in the facade). Experiences that make our heart beat fast. Beautiful views. Perfect homes. Yummy food. Smiles, smiles, smiles. It's hard not to compare yourself and your life to others' after taking in all of the posts and images and videos and stories that reflect "the good stuff" 99% of the time. And it's easy to forget that behind the curated scenes is a person, just like you, with the same ups and downs, messes and misses. They are, again, just like you (if you partake in social media), presenting their personal brand. Sharing a collection of moments, mostly good, to the world in order to add some form of "normalcy" to a life that a lot of times feels out of our control. I'm beginning to truly appreciate and respect the social media "rebels" that drop the perfect personas and shine a light on what is real. Monotony. Disarray. Tears. Posting images of dirty laundry and stories of struggles takes guts when shared alongside an overwhelming amount of "good news." I'm not strong enough to be a social media rebel yet, but I thought about it last week. My depression was getting the best of me and I could not. stop. crying. Among the tears, this briefly ran across my mind: "Maybe I should post this. Maybe I should show that I'm human. That sometimes it's hard to be alive. That not every day is good, and that's OK." But I didn't do it. I couldn't. Why? I don't know, I just couldn't. Instead, I made a happy post about happy things. Although I couldn't find it in myself to do it, you want to know who chose to be a rebel last week? Another person that I follow on social media. Same exact situation. Feeling depressed, tears on overdrive, and she shared it. All I could think was 1) sending so many hugs to her, because I know what she's going through, and 2) how f***ing brave. It made me like and respect her even more than I already did. There was no veil of happiness. She was being real and in the moment, and as much as I preach that, I wish I could pull the trigger and do it more. In life and on social media. I'm going to try to more honest with what I post, and I hope you'll do the same. But if that's not something you're into, that's totally OK. Let's see the good in this world and share it. Just don't get stuck comparing yourself to the mirages you scroll through. Remember, with the good always comes some bad, so don't be fooled! I don't know if it's the increased meditation and added daily reflections, but I've been thinking a lot about a lot lately. Including our "paths" in life.
I catch myself pondering about (and sometimes yearning for) what my life would be like in an alternate universe. Something I think we all do. Daydreaming about "if we could do anything" what that would be. But lately, when I start thinking about what I'd include in my "grass is greener on the other side" scenario, I wonder why I'm not doing the things I'm dreaming about. They're not that unrealistic (I'm not daydreaming about becoming an astronaut, although that would be cool). Why do these desires feel so out of reach and only permissible inside my head? I know these thoughts exist for a reason, are normal, and aren't necessarily always meant to come true. But what if some of them did? I'm into that part of the thought process right now. Here's a passage from my daily reflection book that inspired me to take these ponderings even further: "It is about the true vitality that waits beneath all occupations for us to tap into, if we can discover what we love. If you feel energy and excitement and a sense that life is happening for the first time, you are probably near your God-given nature. Joy in what we do is not an added feature; it is a sign of deep health." How wonderful is that? Yes. Yes. Yes! Here's where this passage led me: If we pay attention to what shows up in our daydreams, and our dreams align with at least some of the actions (however big or small) we're already performing in life that bring us JOY - there's got to be something to that. When these two things line up - maybe it's a sign to take our actions to the next level. To make our dreams a reality. To follow our path. This whole concept is so exciting to me. Particularly because this is happening to me right now - the alignment. Some things that were seemingly far fetched dreams at one time are now within reach - not without hard work, sacrifice, and some serious strategizing - but I could get there. I feel like I watch and read about so many others living out their dreams. They follow their path. Their joy. Take risks, blaze trails, don't care about what others think. It's beautiful and empowering. Their success in doing this proves that it's possible for anyone. So why not me? If you've been thinking about this, too, and are really wanting to follow a dream or dreams that you have - do it - or at least start taking steps towards them. Don't feel selfish, or insecure, or foolish. Remember this, "Joy in what we do is not an added feature; it is a sign of deep health." Follow your path, nurture your soul. I talk a lot about being present, being mindful. But a lot of times, that's much easier said than done. Joel and I have been on opposite schedules lately - job changes, working long hours, a lot of personal commitments - all in addition to adding a new puppy to our family. I could feel myself starting to break down and the consistent calm that I can normally connect to in some way, shape, or form was nowhere in sight. I let myself get to the point where I was near rock bottom. I know when I'm reaching this point very clearly - I'm angry. Very, very angry. At everyone and everything. And I can't hide it - THAT'S the biggest giveaway. I'm always the person to say, "If you don't like something, change it." I'm not a complainer and I don't like complainers. So I had to get tough with myself and take my own advice. I had to change something to get myself back on track. I knew I had the tools to dig myself out - I was just allowing everything that was going on and the anger I was feeling to cloud my normally mindful thoughts. A good outlet for me when I'm feeling this way is to write it out. Sometimes I write everything out feeling by feeling. A lot of times I write out a plan that will get me into a better head space. For me, plans are calming! So that's what I did. Here's what my plan said: Daily Routine Morning - Rise at 6 a.m.
That's it. Nothing more, nothing less, no teardrops on the pages. Just a plan. A plan incorporating the tools I know I have in my toolbox, so it was a realistic plan for me to run with. I haven't missed a day since I started, and I hope I never do. Incorporating these practices into my daily schedule have allowed me to feel present in the midst of fast pace surroundings and unpredictable circumstances. I try not to simply look, hear, smell, touch - I aim to see, listen, inhale, feel - be HERE (I share an example of this with the image below). That alone in itself is so important. My thoughts and actions feel more intentional. I feel happier, and lighter, and love myself a little bit more than I did before - which was needed. What tools do you reach for when you're at a breaking point? What items are part of your routine that keep you grounded? I'd love to know! I spotted this bright yellow moth on the door of our garage before leaving for work. I was running behind and had already started backing out of the driveway. But I stopped. This brilliant, florescent moth against our red door was just stunning. I took a deep breath, told myself that it was OK to take the time to fully be present in that moment, got out, and took time to enjoy watching the moth warm its wings in the sun. It was peaceful and beautiful. And guess what? The world kept turning while I paused. I don't regret that brief moment of extra time I took to enjoy that moment.
Joel and I have been so busy lately. Running from place to place, event to event for the past few months. We normally land at around 8:30 p.m. each evening, exhausted, but together. We had a single weekend that was open in June, so we took full advantage! We hopped in the car and took a quick overnight trip to Chicago. Chicago is one of our favorite playgrounds. Our country hearts still have a little city edge to them! On this trip, we spent all of our time at Navy Pier for "The Rolling Stones Exhibitionism." We are both huge Stones fans (I recently expressed my love for them in this blog post) so it was hard for us to contain our excitement in the weeks leading up to our visit! There are no words for how wonderful the exhibit was. I'll let the pictures do the talking and just say, if you are a Stones fan like us, make the time to go. It is in Chicago until July 30, 2017. The experience is very personal and you'll leave feeling deeply connected to this band of magnificent men. Here's a sneak peek: On our way back, we decided to "ooze" and took the scenic route. We stopped by Antique Archaeology in LeClaire, Iowa - home of the American Pickers: Our last stop was Coral Ridge Mall in Coralville, Iowa. I needed black flip-flops. I walked out with flip flops...a new swim suit, vintage finds, overalls, etc. I'll post more about what I bought on my Fashion page as I wear each piece!
I've been thinking a lot lately about memories. The legacies we leave. The things we remember about those that have touched our lives. The things they remember about us. I tend to remember the little things. Character traits or quirky actions that are probably missed by most, but to me, are things I look back on and tear up about. Because they are the things that help me remember why that person is special to me and how much I love them. One of the smallest yet significant examples I will share is about the sound of my grandpa's shuffle. I would eat dinner with my grandparents once a week, and today, still eat dinner each week with my grandma. One night after dinner was done and my grandpa left the table to refill his iced tea, I heard the shuffle of his feet and pants dragging on the ground. His pants were a little too long and he was in his socks. In the moment, I thought it was so cute, and realized it's a sound I had heard so many times before, but never really listened to. It's a sound I can still hear. And it makes me miss him so much, but reminds me in a million different ways how much I love him. My sister's laugh. My mom's voice when she's happy. My dad's scent. My grandma's graceful demeanor. My husband's warmth. The way my uncle wraps his extension cords. These are just a few of the countless number of small things that make my heart swell. We're lucky to exist side-by-side on this Earth. Human connection is so beautiful, especially when every inch of it is appreciated - including its flaws. Here's to noticing not only the big things, but the little things, too. I truly believe the little things are keys to knowing and remembering what real love feels like.
I'm getting really excited for Summer to arrive! I spent all Winter daydreaming about the projects I could get to once the snow melted. Two big goals of mine for this year was to get some landscaping done around our house and start a garden. I'm happy to report that both are well on their way to being finished! I started with the garden space, choosing to till two large plots. One for food, one for flowers. Thanks to my amazing uncle Rick who lent us his tiller, my dad and husband knocked out the plots in minutes flat. I also got to try out the tiller, which was fun. I love all of the new equipment I've been able to operate on the farm! (Don't mind my outfit...matching hasn't been my biggest strength lately!) I have some starter plants already purchased for the fruit/veggie garden and scored on seeds for the flower garden. I want happy pollinators in my backyard, so I'm crossing my fingers that both gardens succeed! I haven't started planting just yet. My grandma has always told me to wait until after Mother's Day - and this old wives' tale has never been wrong. The next thing I tried my hand at was laying out plans for landscaping around the house. I had a blank slate to work with. An absolute dream...and nightmare...because the ideas just keep coming! To plan how far out I wanted to go out from the house, I used two main tools: Weed Killer and Spray Paint! I measured and eyeballed how I wanted to lay everything out first. I then used spray paint to draw a line around the house where I wanted the landscaping to reach and sprayed weed killer between the house and the spray painted line. I'm filling in the mapped out area with rock, surrounding several buried pots that I'll fill with flowers. I also plan to build some simple planters to place between the buried pots to add some height variation. I wanted the front yard landscaping to be simple and easy to maintain since we have a lot going on in our backyard (a more "wild/native" plant approach) to support my B's (bees, bats, butterflies, birds). You could say I'm following the "Mullet Philosophy" for our landscaping - business in the front, party in the back! Like the gardens, this is still a work in progress. I'll post a full DIY tutorial on both when they're finished! I'm happy with where we're at for only being at the farm for a year and two months! So much has changed already, with so much more yet to come. We love this little place of ours that continues to feel more and more like home. We don't take a second of country living for granted, and take as much time as we can pausing to give thanks for the beauty it has brought into our lives!
I'm writing today from a passionate place. A deep place. One that can only be accessed when loss occurs.
Fortunately, the loss did not impact me directly. Unfortunately, there is a family out there tonight mourning the loss of their husband, father, brother, son. I woke this morning to the sounds of sirens. Which isn't uncommon, even out here in the country. It's not unusual for a Sheriff to fly by, sirens on. But this morning it was different. Siren after siren went by. I didn't find out until I pulled out of our driveway that just down the road a terrible accident had occurred. This accident. I slowed down, trying to figure out how traffic was being directed. I saw some familiar faces including my uncle's, who is a local volunteer firefighter. That brought some comfort to me just before I saw something that will be stuck in my mind forever. As I followed the orders of the policeman directing traffic, I slowly inched towards the crash. From the looks of the whole situation, someone obviously got hurt. Someone did. Someone lost their life. And I saw him. Just before they threw the white sheet over his body. I was shocked. My hand flew over my mouth. My eyes opened the widest they've ever been. I began to sob. This person just died. Moments before I came along. He woke up this morning, saw it was turning out to be a beautiful Spring day, hopped on his motorcycle and carried on with his day. Probably very happy he was able to be on his bike after a long winter. Taking in the morning air. Feeling free, as one tends to feel on a bike. He was ALIVE. And probably feeling very much so. A million things ran through my head after seeing him. I thought about my aunt and uncle who were killed on their motorcycle by a driver who fell asleep at the wheel. That was them at one point. Heartbreaking. I thought about my dad, who has a similar bike. He drives that route regularly. That could have been him. I thought about so many of my family members that have motorcycles who are out there on the roads every chance they get. It could have been them. I felt selfish for grumbling at the most minor inconveniences at work because I was in fact, alive, when a man had just lost his life. I don't want to make assumptions about the person that caused this loss by turning into him. Oh, how I feel for them. They'll have to live with this every single day. I won't throw stones - because that driver could easily have been any one of us. On our phone. Lost in our thoughts. Taking a turn we always take, but on autopilot. Some form of distraction taking place, taking us out of the present, our eyes failing to see what is immediately in front of us. A terrible situation all around. For every single person involved or affected by this loss. Because of what I saw today, and what it made me feel, I felt compelled to issue a reminder: April is Distracted Driving Awareness Month. May is Motorcycle Awareness Month. Take a few moments to learn about these observances and think about how you can help prevent tragedy from happening when you get behind the wheel. Something else that this event made me think about is what should I have done if I had left for work minutes earlier and witnessed this happen? I found a great resource here that talks about what to do if you are the first person on the scene of an accident. Another good thing to think about and have a plan for in case you're ever in this position. Tonight, I'm thinking of the man I saw. Of his family. His friends. The motorist that ran into him. Their family. I'm sending thoughts of solidarity - I know what this type of pain feels like - of comfort, peace and strength. I'll end the way I began: Please, Please, Please - I'm Begging You - Be Aware. If you read my last "Wren Picks" post about Minimalism, you'll know that simplifying has been on my mind a lot lately.
I took my first steps towards becoming more of a minimalist by weeding out my closet. I love clothes. And shoes. So much. I thinned out my collection before moving to our acreage, but I still managed to fill the bulk of two closets, three of four drawers of a dresser AND had shoe overflow in our hallway closet...I feel so embarrassed as I write that! NO ONE needs that many clothes or shoes! I'm going to be honest - I had to mentally prepare myself. Saying you want to be a minimalist and taking actual steps towards becoming one are two very different things. Very easy to think about. Anxiety inducing when taking action on it. But I did it. After thinking about how much more space we'd have, how much easier it would be for me to get dressed in the morning, how much lighter I'd feel without so many "things" - I was all in. You also have to be in kind of a ruthless state of mind. No connections or sentimental feelings allowed. Just a desire to toss, throw out and purge. I started on closet one, moved to the dresser, then the second closet, and lastly, my shoe overflow. Four garbage bags of items for Goodwill. Two bags for the trash. There is probably opportunity for one more round through which I'll do soon. Just have to get through the shock of what I've already gotten rid of first. I do love it though, having less clothing and shoes. It simplifies things so much! In the morning, I don't think about it. I kept things that I know look good on and work for me. It's grab and go. I love combining what I have left to create fresh new looks - it's a challenge I've enjoyed taking on. I'm waiting for spring to fully be upon us before tackling other parts of our home that need to be cleared out, but I have a plan. For me, the earlier I have a plan, the earlier I can come to terms with what I'm letting go of - which makes it easier. What could you let go of to free up some space and create a simple(r) life for yourself? If you have things you are holding onto that don't bring value to you or your life, why are you holding on to it? |
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