First Look

As hoped, I was able to get my drains out on Monday, July 14! Again, they weren't causing me any type of pain, they're just an annoying bit of post-surgery recovery that got in the way and had to be "milked" by Joel twice per day.

An interesting fact about drains that I didn't fully realize is that they go much further into the body than you would think. For example, my drains entered the side of my body a few inches below my armpit and ran along the length of my "breast cavity" (casually known as the "under boob"). Because I'm still fairly numb in my chest, having them pulled out was not painful. They had me inhale to the count of three and exhale on three as they removed each drain tube. It was an odd sensation, but quick and barely uncomfortable.

Additionally, my dressings were removed. This consisted of an unbelievably adhesive "plastic wrap" that held up well for the 20 days I had it on. It is "skin-like" and kept moisture (along with any other unwanted substances/materials) from getting to the paper strips covering the incisions under my left armpit (from lymph node removal), my breasts (from nipple/tissue removal/expander insertion), and drain entry points (for drain tubes). 

Fortunately, all had healed up well and I was able to leave the office just wearing my compression bra! That felt extremely strange. I was given instruction to keep my "t-rex arms" and antibiotics going for the next couple of days. After that, I could somewhat go back to a "normal" routine with the addition of arm and chest stretching exercises. Those have felt both good and painful to do. I'm determined to get as much range of motion back as possible so I can be active again, while knowing I'll still be limited because I can't lift more than 10 pounds for several more weeks. 

Sitting in patient rooms waiting for both my surgical oncologist and plastic surgeon to arrive for my post-surgery follow-ups was quite surreal. It felt like just a short time ago I was in those same rooms in a patient gown feeling scared, insecure, and uncertain about what was to come. My head spinning with which surgical routes I should take. And there I was, suddenly on the other side of everything we had talked about in length just a few weeks before feeling that I'd conquered one of the hardest parts of the journey and fortunately made it through without any complications.

I credit my success largely in part to my Surgeons and their teams: Dr. Lillian Erdahl and Dr. Allison Lorenzen from University of Iowa Hospitals and Clinics. Being primarily cared for by some of the most intelligent, competent, and caring women I've ever met was a privilege I don't take for granted. In saying that, I also want to shout out the one male on my team that I couldn't have thrived without, my Clinical Psychologist, Dr. Gregory Gullickson.

Now, to get to the point of this post - my first look. Meaning what it was like for me to see and fully experience my breasts post-surgery with the drains  and dressing removed. 

In the surgeon's office after the dressing was removed I looked down with excitement and blew each a kiss for their resilience, even though they tried to kill me.

After the excitement wore off and I was home preparing to take a shower, reality sunk in. Once my compression bra was off and I started moving around and catching glances of myself in the mirror, the tears started to fall. Not because I hated what I was seeing, it was more about hating how they felt on my body. The foreign sensation of having breasts shaped by expanders is hard to explain. For me, it feels like there are two inflated balloons loosely glued to my chest that could fall off at any time. Initially, I was afraid to move in fear they'd deflate or fall to the ground. 

As I sat on the floor of the bath tub, the most I could muster after fully processing the situation, the tears continued. I looked down at my "Barbie boobs" (meaning sans-nipples) with their four to five inch horizontal scars and lumpy, bumpy shape. They were still mine, I recognized my old friends, but the poor dears had been through some things since we last saw each other. 

I still obsessively take a peek into my compression bra to ensure everything looks to be "in place." Especially if I feel I've moved a little to much... breaking the recovery rules I was given. The only discomfort I feel is periodic "cramping," mostly on my left side where the lymph nodes were removed and the cancer was. The cramps and certain movements change the form of my breasts, creating a ripple of peaks and valleys in different places. It's fascinating and sad and beautiful and tough to watch.

There is something sacred about this time as I await reconstruction surgery. Gratitude to my body for its strength. Fascination regarding this "in between" time and how my breasts are responding so well to their temporary state, unaware the trauma isn't over. A new urge to learn more about breast cancer and provide as much support to others as I can. Continued love from those around me that inspires me to be better every single day. I appreciate it all.

Thanks for following along.