As hoped, I was able to get my drains out on Monday, July 14! Again, they weren't causing me any type of pain, they're just an annoying bit of post-surgery recovery that got in the way and had to be "milked" by Joel twice per day.

An interesting fact about drains that I didn't fully realize is that they go much further into the body than you would think. For example, my drains entered the side of my body a few inches below my armpit and ran along the length of my "breast cavity" (casually known as the "under boob"). Because I'm still fairly numb in my chest, having them pulled out was not painful. They had me inhale to the count of three and exhale on three as they removed each drain tube. It was an odd sensation, but quick and barely uncomfortable.

Additionally, my dressings were removed. This consisted of an unbelievably adhesive "plastic wrap" that held up well for the 20 days I had it on. It is "skin-like" and kept moisture (along with any other unwanted substances/materials) from getting to the paper strips covering the incisions under my left armpit (from lymph node removal), my breasts (from nipple/tissue removal/expander insertion), and drain entry points (for drain tubes). 

Fortunately, all had healed up well and I was able to leave the office just wearing my compression bra! That felt extremely strange. I was given instruction to keep my "t-rex arms" and antibiotics going for the next couple of days. After that, I could somewhat go back to a "normal" routine with the addition of arm and chest stretching exercises. Those have felt both good and painful to do. I'm determined to get as much range of motion back as possible so I can be active again, while knowing I'll still be limited because I can't lift more than 10 pounds for several more weeks. 

Sitting in patient rooms waiting for both my surgical oncologist and plastic surgeon to arrive for my post-surgery follow-ups was quite surreal. It felt like just a short time ago I was in those same rooms in a patient gown feeling scared, insecure, and uncertain about what was to come. My head spinning with which surgical routes I should take. And there I was, suddenly on the other side of everything we had talked about in length just a few weeks before feeling that I'd conquered one of the hardest parts of the journey and fortunately made it through without any complications.

I credit my success largely in part to my Surgeons and their teams: Dr. Lillian Erdahl and Dr. Allison Lorenzen from University of Iowa Hospitals and Clinics. Being primarily cared for by some of the most intelligent, competent, and caring women I've ever met was a privilege I don't take for granted. In saying that, I also want to shout out the one male on my team that I couldn't have thrived without, my Clinical Psychologist, Dr. Gregory Gullickson.

Now, to get to the point of this post - my first look. Meaning what it was like for me to see and fully experience my breasts post-surgery with the drains  and dressing removed. 

In the surgeon's office after the dressing was removed I looked down with excitement and blew each a kiss for their resilience, even though they tried to kill me.

After the excitement wore off and I was home preparing to take a shower, reality sunk in. Once my compression bra was off and I started moving around and catching glances of myself in the mirror, the tears started to fall. Not because I hated what I was seeing, it was more about hating how they felt on my body. The foreign sensation of having breasts shaped by expanders is hard to explain. For me, it feels like there are two inflated balloons loosely glued to my chest that could fall off at any time. Initially, I was afraid to move in fear they'd deflate or fall to the ground. 

As I sat on the floor of the bath tub, the most I could muster after fully processing the situation, the tears continued. I looked down at my "Barbie boobs" (meaning sans-nipples) with their four to five inch horizontal scars and lumpy, bumpy shape. They were still mine, I recognized my old friends, but the poor dears had been through some things since we last saw each other. 

I still obsessively take a peek into my compression bra to ensure everything looks to be "in place." Especially if I feel I've moved a little to much... breaking the recovery rules I was given. The only discomfort I feel is periodic "cramping," mostly on my left side where the lymph nodes were removed and the cancer was. The cramps and certain movements change the form of my breasts, creating a ripple of peaks and valleys in different places. It's fascinating and sad and beautiful and tough to watch.

There is something sacred about this time as I await reconstruction surgery. Gratitude to my body for its strength. Fascination regarding this "in between" time and how my breasts are responding so well to their temporary state, unaware the trauma isn't over. A new urge to learn more about breast cancer and provide as much support to others as I can. Continued love from those around me that inspires me to be better every single day. I appreciate it all.

Thanks for following along.

Remember that really optimistic post from the other day? Yeah, well that has all changed.

If there's one thing you can count on with a cancer diagnosis is that nothing is set in stone. Appointments pushed, information expected at an appointment not able to be shared, more testing needed, results that take longer to come back than normal, and the list goes on. My surgery date is about the only thing during this journey that happened the way we expected it to. 

My hopes to get the drains out this week have dwindled. The drainage levels haven't met requirements so it's looking like I'll potentially (key word) get them out at my follow up appointments on July 14. That's 20 days after my surgery. The literature says on average they can be taken out in 7-10 days. This has been very discouraging and pushed back my recovery timeline.

I also learned that although I'll still have my surgery follow up meetings next week, I won't be able to meet with my oncologist about any needed cancer treatment the following day as planned because it will be another 2 weeks before my oncotype test will be back. This test is key because its results will determine if I'll need chemotherapy or not. Meeting without knowing those results won't have value.

And in other super fun news: They found a spot on my liver that I get to have an MRI for! Health insurance still hasn't processed our claims so we have no idea if we'll owe $100 or $10,000. I have sharp pains in my arms and chest anytime I want to do literally anything - from getting out of a chair and taking the lid off a water bottle to getting dressed by myself and going to the restroom.

My motto all along is to see the positive side of things, and that's what I've presented to the world thus far. But this is a glimpse into the tough side. The constant fluctuations of unknowns. The realization that as much as I will my body to get better, expect prompt closure on diagnosis and treatment, or confirmation of what's truly next, is, in most cases, completely out of my control.

I'm approaching the two week mark since I had my bilateral mastectomy. The recovery process has had its difficulties but, overall, is less taxing than I expected.

My daily routine is wake up, take my meds, empty my drains, sit still in our recliner, walk a little, take my meds, empty my drains, and go to bed in the recliner. Joel goes back to work this week so I'll have to do some of these steps on my own. I'll miss having him here for constant support and care! He's incredible.

My family and friends pick up where Joel leaves off. I've been so lucky to have many visitors to break up the long days. They often come bearing food and gift baskets. Other times its an offer to help around the house or a comedic performance (thanks to my nieces and nephews). An example of this is when my best friend visited and folded ALL of our laundry that we were very behind on! That's love. And I love her.

I'm happy to report that I'm needing less of everything every day - assistance, pain meds, etc. Swelling is going down, I still have some discomfort in my breasts, and can feel the expanders. The latter was surprising. There are certain areas I can press down on and it feels like pushing in on an empty water bottle.

My drain levels are getting lower and I hope to get them out this week. Fingers and toes crossed! They are not painful, just appendages that have to be considered when doing anything - moving, getting dressed, etc. If you don't know much about drains, they help me heal properly by removing excess fluid that can cause pain, swelling, and other issues. The bulbs create suction that pull the fluid out of my body via tubes that are inside my body near the surgical site, held in place with sutures. ​Below is what they look like.

I'm anxious for my follow up with the Surgical Oncologist and Plastic Surgeon on July 14. That will be the day I find out if I'll need further cancer treatment - radiation and/or chemotherapy.

I got a preview of my pathology report via MyChart and it looks like they found two additional tumors in my left breast (the breast that already had two known tumors, prompting the surgery) and my right breast had several abnormal items that were unexpected. I'm not a doctor, so I could be wrong, but this is what I think the report presented. It gives me no better idea about whether or not more treatment will be needed, so I need to have patience until the professionals cover it with me.

These are a few of my Favorite Things...
Joel, my family and friends did an amazing job gathering all of the supplies I'd need before and after my surgery. Here are just a few of the items I've used daily, there will be more to come!

Post Mastectomy Pillow

I use this almost every second of every day! It is first and foremost a shield from the dogs jumping on my chest. The pillows on the side help prevent rubbing in my underarms, specifically the side that had lymph nodes removed. It's a necessary item to have in the car as a barrier between me and the seatbelt. I wore it in the car post surgery and couldn't have survived the trip without it. The pockets allow me to hold my phone, the remotes, etc. so I can follow the instruction to do everything with t-rex arms!

Because I'm sleeping in the recliner each night while I have my drains in, this neck pillow has become a requirement for good sleep! I use it whenever I'm resting and wore it on the way home in the car post surgery so I could sleep, because I could barely keep my eyes open that day!

I've never been a sleep mask girl but I am now! Again, sleeping in the recliner means being in a living room that gets super bright, super early. I can live in denial that a new day has come for an hour or two.

I preferred not to take full showers for a bit post surgery. I took one a couple of days after but it was a little too nerve wracking for me. I preferred wet wipes (below) and these shampoo caps. It's really a remarkable item that made my hair feel fresh and clean.  You just put on a cap, "lather" as you would in the shower, and take it off. Your hair gets just as wet as if you showered, without having to go through the whole process.

In addition to the shampoo caps, I use these washcloths to clean up. For face and body, these have been convenient and a great way to freshen up in lieu of a shower. They are gentle, do not irritate my skin, and the scent is very nice, not a "chemical" smell like you'd get from a regular wet wipe. They're large in size, so are easy to use and one cloth can cover a lot of ground!